Check Please

Jobless Film Reviews Podcast Episode 14 (10/10)

2009-12-18T07:29:00.000-08:00

This week we get drunk and review The Road, Twilight: A New Moon, Up In The Air, The Box, Four Christmases. We discuss sexy actors, Lil Wayne, Video Games and Reese Witherspoon.

Check it out!

Christian Side Hug

2009-11-25T23:16:00.000-08:00

Can some one tell me what's going on is the video? How are you a rough rider My grandma would call you a pussy...Jesus would call you a pussy. Suck it Loud Mouf

Jobless Film review Episode 13 - 2012, This is it, Megan's Body

2009-11-25T07:12:00.001-08:00

For this episode we interviewed this pornstar, milf pornstar, Mae Victoria and I got so nervous it was like I was transported back to the first day of grade 9. It's so funny because my voice changes and I was supposed to say "this is Matt and Andrew from Jobless Film Review Podcast" but what came out was "Hi Matt and Andrew, Jop pill film blacast reviews?". Oh and she also ruined porn for me, it's done, not into it anymore. I knew I shouldn't have crossed that line. Goodbye friend.

Check it out and have porn ruined for yourself too.

Jobless Film Reviews: Episode 12

2009-11-01T13:50:00.000-08:00

In this episode we review Paranormal Activity, Where the Wild Things Are, Zombieland and Land of the Lost. We also bought new sound equipment so it no longer sounds like it was recorded through a YakBack.

Check it out!

Swanson, you my only friend (8/10)

2009-10-29T09:35:00.001-07:00

Look at that little brown fucker, teasing us with his moist curves

I think TV Dinners have a bad rap, Swanson's dinners are amazing, I'm eating one right now as I type this. They taste awesome and it kind of makes you feel like your a kid again eating dinner your mom made- Mhhh that's dam good corn, I cooked it perfectly this time gotta remember 4:35 is the magic number. I usually go for the chicken fingers, fries, corn and a brownie. Which just so happens to be the best brownie in the world, it'd be worth the $2.50 just to take out the brownie eat it and chuck the rest in the garbage. The nuggets need a little salt, there we go, mmhhh, that's the stuff. There are a few down sides though...

Nothing makes you feel more like a loser than buying one of these at the grocery store. Everybody in line is extra nice to you because they feel so bad for your loneliness and general failure when it comes to life. The same rules apply when buying playboys, condoms or anything else embarrassing, always get a bunch of other stuff to diffuse the attention away from your shame item. Nothing looks more pathetic than a guy standing at the register as his single TV Dinner travels down the conveyor belt. As luck would have it too, its always sandwiched between two happy couples week supply of groceries as they kiss and hug and talk about what the are going to cook when they get home. I always feel the urge to say to the clerk "Look I have a girlfriend really, I'm just lazy and hungry and I really like the brownie".

The package looks like Munch's The Scream I wonder if they did that on purpose.

The worst is this one time when I just moved to Toronto, I was crazy broke and I went to the super market and bought a single Swanson's handed it over to the clerk with my head down in front of a bunch of happy families. Then I paid for it with my debit card and it was declined. It was such a pathetic moment I think the girl at the register almost started crying out of pure sympathy.

It truly is the meal of...fuck this brownie is good, it never fails...the societal rejects. Swanson's should really start to focus on who their costumers are. If they did they wouldn't put a happy family on the back of the box that just bums us depressed losers out even more than we already are. What they should have is a single confident person eating the diner with a huge smile of their face as they watch Grey's Anatomy and a little thought bubble over their head that reads "I chose to live like this because I like myself and am completely confident with my life right now". And on the back they would have single ads of other Swanson's costumers in your area... I don't want this brownie to end...And another section with bright, happy horoscopes that give people some hope and a reason to get out of bed the next day.

Holy shit they make breakfast now!

I guess I could eat Hungry Mans, they are a little more tough but they taste like shit, there is a reason the only thing they advertise on the box is how much it weighs. 2 KG OF PURE FOOD! GET HUNGRY RAAAAWWW! It tastes like if you put cafeteria food in toilet water for two days, soggy shit.

Oh the other downside of Swanson's is if you read the box its basically just different shapes and colors of corn. Its like "Corn fed chicken battered in cornmeal, simulated corntatoe fries fried in corn oil, corn syrup and corn starch brownie, with a side of corn." 16,000 percent of your recommended corn intake.

"You hear about Dougie? He OC'd last night, doctor said he BCL was 4.3. He shat a log of pure corn then dropped dead"

And one final thought. I wonder if they did autopsies on suicide victims how many half digested Swanson Dinners they'd find, I bet it'd be a lot.

I just wrote 1200 words about a Swanson's Dinner, wow I really need to get my shit together.

Can U Fly Bobby (10/10)

2009-10-21T20:20:00.000-07:00

Me and my buddy Dan are starting another blog. I'm going to try to write for both Check Please and CUFB. The whole idea behind the new site, is we are trying to start a blog that is just a bunch of people writing what they want to write, all on one blog. We think it might be more interesting to read everyday than a blog with just one perspective on concept.

Anyway were want more people to write for it, so if you're interested send me an email matt.unsworth@gmail.com. If you have your own blog already and want to just repost on CUFB you can do that. Or if you want to be a lazy fat ass, and do nothing you can do that too.

Check it out - CANUFLYBOBBY.COM

Week in review (4/10)

2009-10-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

3 Musketeers Mint flavour (7/10)

After my first bite I realized this chocolate bar was designed for women. I chewed, swallowed and then looked at it like a monkey looking at a cell phone, confused. What is this thing for? First of all, dark chocolate? One day a super shitty and bored scientist in going to discover the gene in female DNA that enjoys dark chocolate and hopefully eradicate it like Parkinson’s disease.

It tastes like concentrated dirt. Maybe it's an evolutionary thing, like the women that could handle eating their kids dark chocolate and black jelly beans had one tiny advantage over the mean moms that didn't and some how grew to dominate the gene pool.

The mint goo on the other hand is quite refreshing and made we wonder if I wrote a nice letter to either Chevy Chase, Martin Short or Steve Martin they'd send me a tub of it so I could scoop it out like ice-cream.

Also on the package it says "Now with 30 percent less fat" another indicator that it is designed for women, because for me and I'm hoping the rest of the population that likes to call themselves men, 30% merely translates to 30% less good. You might as well eat something that is 100% fat and just not eat the last bite, at least you'd enjoy that 70%, rather than eat 100% of dirt wrapped around goo that could be 30% more delicious.

Windows 7 / Snow Leopard (bad/good)

Question... Why are nerds getting technoboners for Windows 7? Its exactly the same as Vista or XP. All it seems they ever do in new Windows editions is make the windows themselves look cooler, everything has basically been the same since Windows 3.0.

"Does it do anything cooler or faster than the last 10 versions?"

Bill gates "Not really except when you click on a icon the window flies at you and does a bunch of flips and stuff, pretty cool eh?"

"not really... it just crashed"

Snow Leopard on the other hand is actually faster, even on older macs, when has Windows ever been able to say that? I just put it on my MacBook, and it feels like I have a whole new computer, and it was only $36 at Best buy.

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (9/10)

Cloudy with 100% chance of hilarity, honesty this is one the best movies of the year.

P90x (5/10)

Seeing how I spend 90% of my time either sitting at a computer desk or lying in bed eating bowls of popcorn and M&M's I'm starting to get a little worried that I'm going to wake up one day and see Arnold schwarzenegger…..from Junior, staring back at me in the mirror. Like I'm going to get that really unhealthy fat where my arms and legs are super skinny but I have a gut like I'm wearing a Halloween costume. Like those guys that have to sit the waist of their pants above their belly button or they'll just fall down.

I don't like gym's because if you want to work out for 20 minutes, with all the travel time and getting dressed, showered etc. it turns into 2 hours. Between work, making ceiling TVs, technofrankensteining, and backwards engineering peanut butter noodles I just don't have the time.

So I downloaded P90X, how it works, by what I've gathered from watching the intro movie, is you work out for 90 minutes everyday for 90 days. And then you turn into a juiced-up super hero that has the ability to turn girls panties into solid lead. You walk down the street and all you hear is, clang clang clang. At least that’s what the guy in the video told me. Also I was told about 15 times in 20 minutes that I was awesome, that felt good.

I am being honest with myself though and have made my own version, P45R. I'm going to go halfzees on it 45 minutes every other day. Which will be pushing it already. Did the Ab burner yesterday and I can already see a sick 8 pack trying to break through the space bag. Clang clang clang.

Update: Already gave up.

Flash Forward (2/10)

Time from Lost got his own spinoff show. I thought this was going to be amazing, but all they ever do is remind you of what they all saw during their flash forward into the future, over and over again.

I got it, you've already told me 300 times, Kumar is going to die, that chick from Lost is going to be a home wrecker, and Jim from Huckleberry Fin is going to be taking a dump.

It's a good concept it just doesn't have legs. You know the seasons finale is going to end like this.

"There we fixed the problem, no more time warping, and it's amazing that no matter what we did to avoid it, everything we saw ended up happening, well I'm glad that’s all packed up in a nice little pack-" whole world passes out again, cue dramatic bass drum hit, black, credits.

Fat guy watching (mouthful of snacks) "Wooohh... no way!"

Why doesn't anybody in "avoid your destiny" shows and movies ever follow the "Just hiding in a fucking closet that day" rule?

Check Please (2/10)

When did this blog turn into a fat nerd's diary.

Two things

2009-09-14T11:43:00.000-07:00

New episode of Jobless Films Podcast

http://joblessfilmreviews.podomatic.com/entry/2009-09-13T18_45_38-07_00

And, Gordie's photo show this Friday, come check it out...its a bunch of nude pictures...and I'm in one of them. Still not sure if that was a good idea. There goes my dreams of entering politics.

Jobless Film Reviews - Episode 9 -Funny People, District 9, Interview with Uwe Bolle

2009-08-21T14:11:00.001-07:00

Check it out best episode yet.

The Watcher in the Woods (aaahhhh/nightmares)

2009-08-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

I have been looking for this movie for the last 10 years or so. Whenever I'd ask people "Do you remember that horror movie Disney made in the 80's" they'd say "Disney never made a horror movie" and to that I'd always respond "Um yes they did and it was the scariest fucking movie I've ever seen". I remember watching this in class in grade 3 and I almost shat my pants in fear. Creepy kids singing "Ring Around the Posy" in an old abandoned church in the woods, no thanks. It's funny too because if you go to the IMDB page and read the comments there are like 500 comments from people saying how this movie scared the shit out of them when they were kids. You may have never seen it but I bet you remember the trailer because it was at the beginning of every Disney VHS/Beta in the 80's.

Another scary TV spot. How is this a kids movie? I'm terrified!

Ben Nichols Solo Album (8/10)

2009-08-04T10:31:00.000-07:00

Being one of the biggest Lucero fans out there, I'm pretty ashamed of myself for not knowing about this album. If you like older, slower, Lucero stuff check this out for sure. It's a concept album based on Blood Meridian, Cormac McCarthy's fifth book. I haven't read it yet but according to Wikipedia, it's widely regarded as his masterpiece and one of the greatest American novels of the century. Being a fan of The Road, it's going to be the next book I read. And if you like Lucero, buy this album it's only like 6 bucks and its really good.

Sky Force 6: Episode #2

2009-07-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

Sky Force 6: Episode #2 - "Puff Puff Pass" - watch more funny videos

Jobless Film Reviews - Episode 8 - Bruno, Hurt Locker, Tasty Steam Whistle

2009-07-24T15:19:00.000-07:00

This week on JFR we review Bruno, The Hurt Locker and a bunch of other not so good movies. We also drink beers, fish for sponsorship from Steam Whistle, and mix things up with a totally new and radical format! Check it out it's a wild adventure.

CHECK IT OUT!!!!

Sky Force 6: Episode #1 - "Four Score and Twenty Migs Ago" (10/10)

2009-07-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

Incase you've all been wondering why I haven't been posting lately it's because I've been busy working on this new web series. There will be a new one posted every Thursday. Please forward the link to as many people as you can, and put it on your blogs because we want tons of people to see this.

Sky Force 6: Episode #1 "Four Score and Twenty Migs Ago"

Sky Force 6 is a top-secret, elite, counter-terrorism, jet fighter unit that protects the world from the evil schemes of the planet’s most devious international terrorist organizations.

Each week, Moondawg , Barnstormer and The Rookie, receive their mission from The Captain and with their macho, shoot-first-ask-questions-later attitude, they annihilate all evil-doers that are insane enough to take them on.

Expect a high-flying, rapid-fire, edge of your seat, death-defying, adrenaline fueled, thrill-ride of adventure every week when Sky Force 6 take to the skies.

http://vimeo.com/5602587

Movies I watched this week

2009-07-17T07:53:00.000-07:00

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2/10)

Matthew McConaughay is the Lord of Douche Bag Manner

They should have cast Ryan Reynolds and Isla Fisher

Emma Stone......boing!

Jenifer Garner is a nightmare

Breckin Meyer (Road Trip) and Justin long should have an act off to see who's the biggest bum in Hollywood. Winner gets to be in the adaptation of L.A. Candy.

Written by Jon Lucas, Hangover......ummm what?

American Sweethearts (?/10)

I watched this super baked (I don't smoke weed very often)

Got confused fast

Billy Crystal started freaking me out

Went green

Turned the movie off and curled up into the fetal position

Duplicity (7.5/10)

It's not Mr and Mrs Smith + Ocean 12 like it looks

Writen and Directed by Tony Gilroy, Micheal Clayton, Bounre Trilogy, Devil's Advocate.

You know those people you meet and at first you hate them, then 2 months later you're best friends. Me and this movie get drunk and go hit on sluts 24-7 now.

Julia Roberts and Clive Owen have definitely boned

Going to see Hurt Locker this weekend, MOVIE BONER!

Check Please (2/10)

2009-07-15T10:42:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of updates, I haven't abandoned Check Please, here are my excuses.

1) I have no job, and almost out of money. I need to find work soon or I'll be reviewing sherry and squat spots in Street News.

2) My raging ADD only allows me about 4 hours of concentration a day so I've been dedicating that to writing stuff that may make me some money.

3) I've been working on a new series of shorts that will hopefully be done by the end of the summer.

4) It's the summer, get off my case.

However I'm going to try and make an effort to at least write a few things a week. If you know of anyone looking for a Writer/Producer/PA/Driver/Assistant/Clerk/Painter/Glory hole attendant let me know.

New Jobless Film Reviews Podcast (8/10)

2009-07-12T18:16:00.000-07:00

This week on JFR we review Public Enemies, Moon, Drag Me To Hell, and Knowing. We also Drink beers, Matt swallows glass and we reply to your email.

Check it out

Jobless Film Reviews Podcast (8/10)

2009-06-29T07:39:00.000-07:00

Me and the other nerd that I make my podcast with just finished another episode, in this one we review Transformers and name our favorite movie babes and hunks.....yeah hunks.

Jobless Film Reviews Episode 6 - Transformers Review

This weeks favorite things (8/10)

2009-06-24T08:49:00.000-07:00

My new AA pink/white hyper color T-Shirt, they've really come a long way in hypercolor technology since I was in grade 6.

My porch office.

My new favorite thing to do, doubleputer

Ceiling Vision (8/10, down from 10/10)

2009-06-18T07:35:00.000-07:00

You might have read on Westcoastical how the new thing I'm super excited about is my ceiling TV. I "borrowed" an HD projector from my brothers work and hooked it up to project onto my ceiling so I can watch TV and movies while lying in my bed, and in doing so have taken laziness to a whole new level.

But, last night while watching House season 2 (yeah the whole season) I finally figured out why ceiling TV's haven't taken off, and why Brian Wilson, the king of laziness didn't have one.

You can't watch and eat and the same time. It makes you choke. You need to sit up, chew, swallow and then lay back down, missing whatever's happening on the TV above you. There goes half the reason I like watching movies and being lazy so much in the first place. The excuse to eat a big bowl of clown salad (Buttery popcorn with a bag of M&M's dumped into it)

"Butter and chocolate together at last"

Doesn't that sound like something House finds out about the patient at the end of the episode that makes him figure out what's wrong. Like

House "and you didn't find anything at his apartment?"

Australian guy "Nah mate, just a bunch of empty bowls of clown salad and a ceiling TV"

House stares off vacantly

House "Wait, did you say clown salad?"

Cut to shot of House's feet and cane walking fast down the hallway. Slides open door violently.

House "Stop the operation!"

Walks up to me and crams a lemon in my mouth, everybody freaks out.

House "This man has been lying in his bed eating chocolate and butter for the last six months, he has scurvy!"

Deep six missions (10/10)

2009-06-12T18:43:00.001-07:00

When we were kids at my cottage my dad and uncle would round up all the cousins and tell us we had a deep six mission that night. That meant all the kids had to go out at midnight in the boat with the lights off and take all the junk they didn't want anymore and toss it over board. And I'm not talking small shit, like a lamp or something. Fridges, stoves, a bunk bed. As terrible as I'm sure it was for the lake, it was probably the most fun we'd have all year. Going on a top secret mission at midnight code named deep six, sneaking out like marines that's like a kids ultimate dream.

Watching stuff sink weird was always pretty awesome too.

The funniest thing is, you know if we got caught the police would take us home and my dad would be like "oh my god what did you kids do ! (Whisper) good work (yelling) do you know how bad that is for the enviroment! (whispering) I'm going to buy you a present .. Don't worry officer ill make sure they learn their lesson, get inside now!"

I kinda want to go on a deep six mish right now.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Unckey Pete

2009-06-12T15:25:00.001-07:00

Man I've been sitting here at my cottage for the last six hours with my uncle pete and he just talks non stop all day even when I'm on the beach and he's inside just talking, I need to put a microphone beside his chair and make a 24 hour unckie pete podcast, it will be about life, minning, timmins, lumberjacks, swamp angels, booze, his buddy feedack, shilocks, non-stop entertainment. The best part is learning old timie lingo. Here are some examples.

Non-roll your own cigarettes (normal smokes) ... Up towners

10 dollar bill... Saw buck
20 ... A double
50... A half
Those mini booze bottles...spark plug

And he has hilarious buddies. One of them is named torch because he slipped into a bonfire and looks like darkman.

Now that I think about it, I think I could write an entire blog just about him, maybe if I have time next week I can do a unkie pete week. Kinda like shark week if the sharks wore toques and drank all day.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Blog (2/10)

2009-06-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

I've been beefing it super hard on the blog these days, things have just been nutsoid busy. Blog entries take awhile and I've been trying to spend my time doing stuff that actually makes money. Them the breaks. Mini reviews, this weeks awesome things

The hangover
Prototype for ps3
Passion Pit

At my cottage right now gonna drive my gas powered RC boat I built as a kid, its gonna be sick, Ill post a vid of it next week.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Jobless Film Reviews Episode 5 (100/10)

2009-06-11T13:20:00.000-07:00

The new episode is up, listen to it, or subscribe on Itunes

Jobless Film Reviews Podcast Episode 5

Bourne Trilogy (9/10)

2009-06-04T17:56:00.000-07:00

Just watched the entire Bourne Trilogy back to back. Yeah I have that much free time. It has to be the tightest trilogy out there, no shark jumping moments at all, its 6 hours of pure entertainment. And they're basically seamless you could take the credits out and put them together and it would flow perfectly.

You know all those moments in the series where they're like "Where's Bourne" and he's like "I'm in your office" boom shaaaaa shaaaaa. If I were Matt Dammon I'd go to the theatre dressed as Jason Bourne and sneak in while it was dark, and right at that moment "Where's Bourne?" go to the person sitting beside me in the theatre "I'm right here" boom shaaa shaaa! and totally freak them out. But I guess he's probably got a lot more important things to do than I do.

Went on IMDB today 2011 Bourne 4 oohhh dammn