Check Please

Oscars opening

2011-02-27T17:38:00.001-08:00

It started out funny but what was with the back to the future reference?
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Quick Podcast -Avatar - First sober episode

2009-12-22T21:34:00.000-08:00

Check it

Jobless Film Reviews Podcast Episode 14 (10/10)

2009-12-18T07:29:00.000-08:00

This week we get drunk and review The Road, Twilight: A New Moon, Up In The Air, The Box, Four Christmases. We discuss sexy actors, Lil Wayne, Video Games and Reese Witherspoon.

Check it out!

Christian Side Hug

2009-11-25T23:16:00.000-08:00

Can some one tell me what's going on is the video? How are you a rough rider My grandma would call you a pussy...Jesus would call you a pussy. Suck it Loud Mouf

Jobless Film review Episode 13 - 2012, This is it, Megan's Body

2009-11-25T07:12:00.001-08:00

For this episode we interviewed this pornstar, milf pornstar, Mae Victoria and I got so nervous it was like I was transported back to the first day of grade 9. It's so funny because my voice changes and I was supposed to say "this is Matt and Andrew from Jobless Film Review Podcast" but what came out was "Hi Matt and Andrew, Jop pill film blacast reviews?". Oh and she also ruined porn for me, it's done, not into it anymore. I knew I shouldn't have crossed that line. Goodbye friend.

Check it out and have porn ruined for yourself too.

Jobless Film Reviews: Episode 12

2009-11-01T13:50:00.000-08:00

In this episode we review Paranormal Activity, Where the Wild Things Are, Zombieland and Land of the Lost. We also bought new sound equipment so it no longer sounds like it was recorded through a YakBack.

Check it out!

Swanson, you my only friend (8/10)

2009-10-29T09:35:00.001-07:00

Look at that little brown fucker, teasing us with his moist curves

I think TV Dinners have a bad rap, Swanson's dinners are amazing, I'm eating one right now as I type this. They taste awesome and it kind of makes you feel like your a kid again eating dinner your mom made- Mhhh that's dam good corn, I cooked it perfectly this time gotta remember 4:35 is the magic number. I usually go for the chicken fingers, fries, corn and a brownie. Which just so happens to be the best brownie in the world, it'd be worth the $2.50 just to take out the brownie eat it and chuck the rest in the garbage. The nuggets need a little salt, there we go, mmhhh, that's the stuff. There are a few down sides though...

Nothing makes you feel more like a loser than buying one of these at the grocery store. Everybody in line is extra nice to you because they feel so bad for your loneliness and general failure when it comes to life. The same rules apply when buying playboys, condoms or anything else embarrassing, always get a bunch of other stuff to diffuse the attention away from your shame item. Nothing looks more pathetic than a guy standing at the register as his single TV Dinner travels down the conveyor belt. As luck would have it too, its always sandwiched between two happy couples week supply of groceries as they kiss and hug and talk about what the are going to cook when they get home. I always feel the urge to say to the clerk "Look I have a girlfriend really, I'm just lazy and hungry and I really like the brownie".

The package looks like Munch's The Scream I wonder if they did that on purpose.

The worst is this one time when I just moved to Toronto, I was crazy broke and I went to the super market and bought a single Swanson's handed it over to the clerk with my head down in front of a bunch of happy families. Then I paid for it with my debit card and it was declined. It was such a pathetic moment I think the girl at the register almost started crying out of pure sympathy.

It truly is the meal of...fuck this brownie is good, it never fails...the societal rejects. Swanson's should really start to focus on who their costumers are. If they did they wouldn't put a happy family on the back of the box that just bums us depressed losers out even more than we already are. What they should have is a single confident person eating the diner with a huge smile of their face as they watch Grey's Anatomy and a little thought bubble over their head that reads "I chose to live like this because I like myself and am completely confident with my life right now". And on the back they would have single ads of other Swanson's costumers in your area... I don't want this brownie to end...And another section with bright, happy horoscopes that give people some hope and a reason to get out of bed the next day.

Holy shit they make breakfast now!

I guess I could eat Hungry Mans, they are a little more tough but they taste like shit, there is a reason the only thing they advertise on the box is how much it weighs. 2 KG OF PURE FOOD! GET HUNGRY RAAAAWWW! It tastes like if you put cafeteria food in toilet water for two days, soggy shit.

Oh the other downside of Swanson's is if you read the box its basically just different shapes and colors of corn. Its like "Corn fed chicken battered in cornmeal, simulated corntatoe fries fried in corn oil, corn syrup and corn starch brownie, with a side of corn." 16,000 percent of your recommended corn intake.

"You hear about Dougie? He OC'd last night, doctor said he BCL was 4.3. He shat a log of pure corn then dropped dead"

And one final thought. I wonder if they did autopsies on suicide victims how many half digested Swanson Dinners they'd find, I bet it'd be a lot.

I just wrote 1200 words about a Swanson's Dinner, wow I really need to get my shit together.

Can U Fly Bobby (10/10)

2009-10-21T20:20:00.000-07:00

Me and my buddy Dan are starting another blog. I'm going to try to write for both Check Please and CUFB. The whole idea behind the new site, is we are trying to start a blog that is just a bunch of people writing what they want to write, all on one blog. We think it might be more interesting to read everyday than a blog with just one perspective on concept.

Anyway were want more people to write for it, so if you're interested send me an email matt.unsworth@gmail.com. If you have your own blog already and want to just repost on CUFB you can do that. Or if you want to be a lazy fat ass, and do nothing you can do that too.

Check it out - CANUFLYBOBBY.COM

Week in review (4/10)

2009-10-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

3 Musketeers Mint flavour (7/10)

After my first bite I realized this chocolate bar was designed for women. I chewed, swallowed and then looked at it like a monkey looking at a cell phone, confused. What is this thing for? First of all, dark chocolate? One day a super shitty and bored scientist in going to discover the gene in female DNA that enjoys dark chocolate and hopefully eradicate it like Parkinson’s disease.

It tastes like concentrated dirt. Maybe it's an evolutionary thing, like the women that could handle eating their kids dark chocolate and black jelly beans had one tiny advantage over the mean moms that didn't and some how grew to dominate the gene pool.

The mint goo on the other hand is quite refreshing and made we wonder if I wrote a nice letter to either Chevy Chase, Martin Short or Steve Martin they'd send me a tub of it so I could scoop it out like ice-cream.

Also on the package it says "Now with 30 percent less fat" another indicator that it is designed for women, because for me and I'm hoping the rest of the population that likes to call themselves men, 30% merely translates to 30% less good. You might as well eat something that is 100% fat and just not eat the last bite, at least you'd enjoy that 70%, rather than eat 100% of dirt wrapped around goo that could be 30% more delicious.

Windows 7 / Snow Leopard (bad/good)

Question... Why are nerds getting technoboners for Windows 7? Its exactly the same as Vista or XP. All it seems they ever do in new Windows editions is make the windows themselves look cooler, everything has basically been the same since Windows 3.0.

"Does it do anything cooler or faster than the last 10 versions?"

Bill gates "Not really except when you click on a icon the window flies at you and does a bunch of flips and stuff, pretty cool eh?"

"not really... it just crashed"

Snow Leopard on the other hand is actually faster, even on older macs, when has Windows ever been able to say that? I just put it on my MacBook, and it feels like I have a whole new computer, and it was only $36 at Best buy.

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (9/10)

Cloudy with 100% chance of hilarity, honesty this is one the best movies of the year.

P90x (5/10)

Seeing how I spend 90% of my time either sitting at a computer desk or lying in bed eating bowls of popcorn and M&M's I'm starting to get a little worried that I'm going to wake up one day and see Arnold schwarzenegger…..from Junior, staring back at me in the mirror. Like I'm going to get that really unhealthy fat where my arms and legs are super skinny but I have a gut like I'm wearing a Halloween costume. Like those guys that have to sit the waist of their pants above their belly button or they'll just fall down.

I don't like gym's because if you want to work out for 20 minutes, with all the travel time and getting dressed, showered etc. it turns into 2 hours. Between work, making ceiling TVs, technofrankensteining, and backwards engineering peanut butter noodles I just don't have the time.

So I downloaded P90X, how it works, by what I've gathered from watching the intro movie, is you work out for 90 minutes everyday for 90 days. And then you turn into a juiced-up super hero that has the ability to turn girls panties into solid lead. You walk down the street and all you hear is, clang clang clang. At least that’s what the guy in the video told me. Also I was told about 15 times in 20 minutes that I was awesome, that felt good.

I am being honest with myself though and have made my own version, P45R. I'm going to go halfzees on it 45 minutes every other day. Which will be pushing it already. Did the Ab burner yesterday and I can already see a sick 8 pack trying to break through the space bag. Clang clang clang.

Update: Already gave up.

Flash Forward (2/10)

Time from Lost got his own spinoff show. I thought this was going to be amazing, but all they ever do is remind you of what they all saw during their flash forward into the future, over and over again.

I got it, you've already told me 300 times, Kumar is going to die, that chick from Lost is going to be a home wrecker, and Jim from Huckleberry Fin is going to be taking a dump.

It's a good concept it just doesn't have legs. You know the seasons finale is going to end like this.

"There we fixed the problem, no more time warping, and it's amazing that no matter what we did to avoid it, everything we saw ended up happening, well I'm glad that’s all packed up in a nice little pack-" whole world passes out again, cue dramatic bass drum hit, black, credits.

Fat guy watching (mouthful of snacks) "Wooohh... no way!"

Why doesn't anybody in "avoid your destiny" shows and movies ever follow the "Just hiding in a fucking closet that day" rule?

Check Please (2/10)

When did this blog turn into a fat nerd's diary.

Two things

2009-09-14T11:43:00.000-07:00

New episode of Jobless Films Podcast

http://joblessfilmreviews.podomatic.com/entry/2009-09-13T18_45_38-07_00

And, Gordie's photo show this Friday, come check it out...its a bunch of nude pictures...and I'm in one of them. Still not sure if that was a good idea. There goes my dreams of entering politics.

Jobless Film Reviews - Episode 9 -Funny People, District 9, Interview with Uwe Bolle

2009-08-21T14:11:00.001-07:00

Check it out best episode yet.

Ben Nichols Solo Album (8/10)

2009-08-04T10:31:00.000-07:00

Being one of the biggest Lucero fans out there, I'm pretty ashamed of myself for not knowing about this album. If you like older, slower, Lucero stuff check this out for sure. It's a concept album based on Blood Meridian, Cormac McCarthy's fifth book. I haven't read it yet but according to Wikipedia, it's widely regarded as his masterpiece and one of the greatest American novels of the century. Being a fan of The Road, it's going to be the next book I read. And if you like Lucero, buy this album it's only like 6 bucks and its really good.

The Watcher in the Woods (aaahhhh/nightmares)

2009-08-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

I have been looking for this movie for the last 10 years or so. Whenever I'd ask people "Do you remember that horror movie Disney made in the 80's" they'd say "Disney never made a horror movie" and to that I'd always respond "Um yes they did and it was the scariest fucking movie I've ever seen". I remember watching this in class in grade 3 and I almost shat my pants in fear. Creepy kids singing "Ring Around the Posy" in an old abandoned church in the woods, no thanks. It's funny too because if you go to the IMDB page and read the comments there are like 500 comments from people saying how this movie scared the shit out of them when they were kids. You may have never seen it but I bet you remember the trailer because it was at the beginning of every Disney VHS/Beta in the 80's.

Another scary TV spot. How is this a kids movie? I'm terrified!

Sky Force 6: Episode #2

2009-07-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

Sky Force 6: Episode #2 - "Puff Puff Pass" - watch more funny videos

Jobless Film Reviews - Episode 8 - Bruno, Hurt Locker, Tasty Steam Whistle

2009-07-24T15:19:00.000-07:00

This week on JFR we review Bruno, The Hurt Locker and a bunch of other not so good movies. We also drink beers, fish for sponsorship from Steam Whistle, and mix things up with a totally new and radical format! Check it out it's a wild adventure.

CHECK IT OUT!!!!

Sky Force 6: Episode #1 - "Four Score and Twenty Migs Ago" (10/10)

2009-07-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

Incase you've all been wondering why I haven't been posting lately it's because I've been busy working on this new web series. There will be a new one posted every Thursday. Please forward the link to as many people as you can, and put it on your blogs because we want tons of people to see this.

Sky Force 6: Episode #1 "Four Score and Twenty Migs Ago"

Sky Force 6 is a top-secret, elite, counter-terrorism, jet fighter unit that protects the world from the evil schemes of the planet’s most devious international terrorist organizations.

Each week, Moondawg , Barnstormer and The Rookie, receive their mission from The Captain and with their macho, shoot-first-ask-questions-later attitude, they annihilate all evil-doers that are insane enough to take them on.

Expect a high-flying, rapid-fire, edge of your seat, death-defying, adrenaline fueled, thrill-ride of adventure every week when Sky Force 6 take to the skies.

http://vimeo.com/5602587

Movies I watched this week

2009-07-17T07:53:00.000-07:00

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2/10)

Matthew McConaughay is the Lord of Douche Bag Manner

They should have cast Ryan Reynolds and Isla Fisher

Emma Stone......boing!

Jenifer Garner is a nightmare

Breckin Meyer (Road Trip) and Justin long should have an act off to see who's the biggest bum in Hollywood. Winner gets to be in the adaptation of L.A. Candy.

Written by Jon Lucas, Hangover......ummm what?

American Sweethearts (?/10)

I watched this super baked (I don't smoke weed very often)

Got confused fast

Billy Crystal started freaking me out

Went green

Turned the movie off and curled up into the fetal position

Duplicity (7.5/10)

It's not Mr and Mrs Smith + Ocean 12 like it looks

Writen and Directed by Tony Gilroy, Micheal Clayton, Bounre Trilogy, Devil's Advocate.

You know those people you meet and at first you hate them, then 2 months later you're best friends. Me and this movie get drunk and go hit on sluts 24-7 now.

Julia Roberts and Clive Owen have definitely boned

Going to see Hurt Locker this weekend, MOVIE BONER!

Check Please (2/10)

2009-07-15T10:42:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of updates, I haven't abandoned Check Please, here are my excuses.

1) I have no job, and almost out of money. I need to find work soon or I'll be reviewing sherry and squat spots in Street News.

2) My raging ADD only allows me about 4 hours of concentration a day so I've been dedicating that to writing stuff that may make me some money.

3) I've been working on a new series of shorts that will hopefully be done by the end of the summer.

4) It's the summer, get off my case.

However I'm going to try and make an effort to at least write a few things a week. If you know of anyone looking for a Writer/Producer/PA/Driver/Assistant/Clerk/Painter/Glory hole attendant let me know.

New Jobless Film Reviews Podcast (8/10)

2009-07-12T18:16:00.000-07:00

This week on JFR we review Public Enemies, Moon, Drag Me To Hell, and Knowing. We also Drink beers, Matt swallows glass and we reply to your email.

Check it out

Jobless Film Reviews Podcast (8/10)

2009-06-29T07:39:00.000-07:00

Me and the other nerd that I make my podcast with just finished another episode, in this one we review Transformers and name our favorite movie babes and hunks.....yeah hunks.

Jobless Film Reviews Episode 6 - Transformers Review

This weeks favorite things (8/10)

2009-06-24T08:49:00.000-07:00

My new AA pink/white hyper color T-Shirt, they've really come a long way in hypercolor technology since I was in grade 6.

My porch office.

My new favorite thing to do, doubleputer

Ceiling Vision (8/10, down from 10/10)

2009-06-18T07:35:00.000-07:00

You might have read on Westcoastical how the new thing I'm super excited about is my ceiling TV. I "borrowed" an HD projector from my brothers work and hooked it up to project onto my ceiling so I can watch TV and movies while lying in my bed, and in doing so have taken laziness to a whole new level.

But, last night while watching House season 2 (yeah the whole season) I finally figured out why ceiling TV's haven't taken off, and why Brian Wilson, the king of laziness didn't have one.

You can't watch and eat and the same time. It makes you choke. You need to sit up, chew, swallow and then lay back down, missing whatever's happening on the TV above you. There goes half the reason I like watching movies and being lazy so much in the first place. The excuse to eat a big bowl of clown salad (Buttery popcorn with a bag of M&M's dumped into it)

"Butter and chocolate together at last"

Doesn't that sound like something House finds out about the patient at the end of the episode that makes him figure out what's wrong. Like

House "and you didn't find anything at his apartment?"

Australian guy "Nah mate, just a bunch of empty bowls of clown salad and a ceiling TV"

House stares off vacantly

House "Wait, did you say clown salad?"

Cut to shot of House's feet and cane walking fast down the hallway. Slides open door violently.

House "Stop the operation!"

Walks up to me and crams a lemon in my mouth, everybody freaks out.

House "This man has been lying in his bed eating chocolate and butter for the last six months, he has scurvy!"

Deep six missions (10/10)

2009-06-12T18:43:00.001-07:00

When we were kids at my cottage my dad and uncle would round up all the cousins and tell us we had a deep six mission that night. That meant all the kids had to go out at midnight in the boat with the lights off and take all the junk they didn't want anymore and toss it over board. And I'm not talking small shit, like a lamp or something. Fridges, stoves, a bunk bed. As terrible as I'm sure it was for the lake, it was probably the most fun we'd have all year. Going on a top secret mission at midnight code named deep six, sneaking out like marines that's like a kids ultimate dream.

Watching stuff sink weird was always pretty awesome too.

The funniest thing is, you know if we got caught the police would take us home and my dad would be like "oh my god what did you kids do ! (Whisper) good work (yelling) do you know how bad that is for the enviroment! (whispering) I'm going to buy you a present .. Don't worry officer ill make sure they learn their lesson, get inside now!"

I kinda want to go on a deep six mish right now.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Unckey Pete

2009-06-12T15:25:00.001-07:00

Man I've been sitting here at my cottage for the last six hours with my uncle pete and he just talks non stop all day even when I'm on the beach and he's inside just talking, I need to put a microphone beside his chair and make a 24 hour unckie pete podcast, it will be about life, minning, timmins, lumberjacks, swamp angels, booze, his buddy feedack, shilocks, non-stop entertainment. The best part is learning old timie lingo. Here are some examples.

Non-roll your own cigarettes (normal smokes) ... Up towners

10 dollar bill... Saw buck
20 ... A double
50... A half
Those mini booze bottles...spark plug

And he has hilarious buddies. One of them is named torch because he slipped into a bonfire and looks like darkman.

Now that I think about it, I think I could write an entire blog just about him, maybe if I have time next week I can do a unkie pete week. Kinda like shark week if the sharks wore toques and drank all day.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Blog (2/10)

2009-06-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

I've been beefing it super hard on the blog these days, things have just been nutsoid busy. Blog entries take awhile and I've been trying to spend my time doing stuff that actually makes money. Them the breaks. Mini reviews, this weeks awesome things

The hangover
Prototype for ps3
Passion Pit

At my cottage right now gonna drive my gas powered RC boat I built as a kid, its gonna be sick, Ill post a vid of it next week.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Jobless Film Reviews Episode 5 (100/10)

2009-06-11T13:20:00.000-07:00

The new episode is up, listen to it, or subscribe on Itunes

Jobless Film Reviews Podcast Episode 5

Bourne Trilogy (9/10)

2009-06-04T17:56:00.000-07:00

Just watched the entire Bourne Trilogy back to back. Yeah I have that much free time. It has to be the tightest trilogy out there, no shark jumping moments at all, its 6 hours of pure entertainment. And they're basically seamless you could take the credits out and put them together and it would flow perfectly.

You know all those moments in the series where they're like "Where's Bourne" and he's like "I'm in your office" boom shaaaaa shaaaaa. If I were Matt Dammon I'd go to the theatre dressed as Jason Bourne and sneak in while it was dark, and right at that moment "Where's Bourne?" go to the person sitting beside me in the theatre "I'm right here" boom shaaa shaaa! and totally freak them out. But I guess he's probably got a lot more important things to do than I do.

Went on IMDB today 2011 Bourne 4 oohhh dammn

Jobless Film Reviews Episode 4 (10/10)

2009-06-02T09:50:00.000-07:00

The new episode is up, listen to it, or subscribe on Itunes

Jobless Film Reviews Podcast Episode 4

Internet (10/10)

2009-05-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

I know the internet has done all these crazy things since it was invented, but the best thing it's done so far in my opinion...Wonder years complete series.

http://www.mininova.org/tor/233143

"Noooo, Winnie what happend to you!!...nice yeah yeahs"

Factoid: In the pilot Winnie has a super cool brother Brian Cooper, and then he goes away to Vietnam and gets killed, wicked backstory.

Just finished episode 4 of JFR podcast, super hammered. New episode should be up Monday.

Fruit roll-ups at subway

2009-05-27T14:48:00.001-07:00

Instead of cookies or chips, best substitute ever, comes only second to getting an extra JBC instead of fries at wendy's.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Birthday (10/10)

2009-05-27T10:56:00.001-07:00

Last year was off the hook

It's my birthday today and so far it's been pretty sweet. Woke up at 11 to presents, then watched Can't Hardly Wait (man that movie sucks) and then Top Gun (best movie ever). Celebrations will be on Friday at my house, then 751 so come and party.

My Obituary (9/10)

2009-05-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

1980-2009

Sie (West Coastical) and I were talking about what our obituaries would look like, this is what Sie wrote for mine.

Matt Unsworth, self confessed "how I met your mother fan" and radio bike inventor. In his short life he spent 50% of it battling the fear and the other 50% eating too many chicken pot pies and battling diahreah. May he sing better in the afterlife than he ever did on earth. A small ceremony will take place this weekend, suggested dress code is cut off jeans, long johns and 8 hole boot docs.

Memorial at the family cottage; all donations will go towards replacing the chemical toilet.

Hahahaha, the last line was added by Ben M

Future Smokes (9/10)

2009-05-26T10:40:00.001-07:00

Say what you will about these long skinny smokes but what they lack in toughness they make up in taste and portability. You don't even notice this tiny pack in your pocket, and because they're like a quarter the size of a regular ciggy, you avoid the undesirable side effects of getting over smoked. They are also a good light morning smoke combined that with the lung refreshing sensation of menthol and they truly earn their title of the smoke of a new generation.

Angels and Peanut Butter Noodle Demons (1/10)*

2009-05-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

*this is part two of a series, click here if you missed the first episode.

So at the end of the night on Saturday when I was in Montreal everybody was going to this after and I go "Sorry boys I have some business I need to attend to" and turned around and walked towards $2 noodles. After waiting in line for what felt like hours I final got to the front. I ordered a double PBN and while he was making it I go "So how do you make the sauce? What's the secret ingredient? Oil? Soya Sauce? Chicken Broth? I've been trying to make it at home for like a year now" he goes "Nah man just water. Peanut Butter and water" while I scarfed my delicious double PB noods I thought just how amazing it is that's all it was, and couldn't wait to get home and try it out.

So tonight, Friday night, loooooosseer, I went down to the super market, past all the normal people partying in the streets and enjoying patio beers with their friends and I bought the ingredients and came back and started up the lab again, It looks like I'm making meth, I bet you that's probably easier.

So the noods are boiling, and the peanut butter is melted, just the way the guy told me to, then I pour in the water.....disaster it instantly turned into foul smelling sludge and changed color!

"PEEE YOOUUUU"

What the fuck! foiled again, the mother fucker lied to me, what a fool I was to think he'd just give up his secret recipe to some drunk asshole francophone.

I dumped it and tried again, this time straight PB but with his melting technique, didn't work, it tasted like shit and now I have a stomach.

"Boooooooo"

There is only one other thing I might try, and it was actually suggested from two friends, natural peanut butter. The kind with the seperated oil. Some how I feel that the thing that keeps the oil and PB together in your average Jiffy brand is what makes it go all crazy when I add water. I'll have to wait for a bit though because I can't even smell peanut butter without wanting to puke.

Montreal

2009-05-25T11:43:00.001-07:00

go to Gordy's blog to see what happened to me in montreal, it may explain some things.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Podcast

2009-05-15T18:42:00.001-07:00

Just posted the new joblessfilmreviews podcast

Check it out, it's only 98 minutes long.

Road trip (10/10)

2009-05-15T11:04:00.001-07:00

On my way to montreal with Ben (iknowbenmills) to hang with gordie (gordonballphotos.com) and Cody (agethirtytwo.com) were going to have a blorgy. I'm hungover.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Word (booze/early morning)

2009-05-14T20:15:00.000-07:00

Just finished recording my podcast (the new one will be posted soon). Going to montreal tomorrow super excited, really into the Old Canes album check it out, also just did a post on Sie's blog check it out tooooo. I'm super drunk.

Startrek

2009-05-14T12:37:00.001-07:00

I'm at Startrek right now, I came by myself. I thought I'd be emabarased but there's like 60 people here and everbody is solo, hahahahaha what fucking losers.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Squirt dot org

2009-05-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been to that site before? Its a site where dudes post secret places in diferent cities where other dudes can meet up and doink. Like in something about mary. Well a bunch of us went on there one day to see what the secret places in hamilton were (dundurn castle parking lot). And ever since then I always get freaked out that I'm in one of those locations and don't know it. Like in a hidden bathroom in the subway station, or like some weird section in chapters. And a dude will walk in and I'm like "oh shit, I gotta get out of here that dudes got a boner!" And run away.

One of my friends walked in to one by mistake, he was wizzing and he look over and the guy beside him was just standing there jacking it.

No offense to my gay friends, you know I'm just jealous there's no straight version of squirt.com

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Kristina Barcelona

2009-05-13T17:29:00.001-07:00

Brought the B and C this time, Girls like Barcelona, no wonder Jaun Antonio Gonzolas banged all those chicks.

Gaudi's cathedral in Barcelona (crazy/scary)

2009-05-13T17:18:00.000-07:00

We had to make a quick stop at the Tower of Mordor to destory the ring, thought I'd take some pictures. It's so big this is actually six pictures all pieced together with photoshop*

*Side review the new Photoshop's photomerge option is so awesome. It takes all your photos and turns them into one huge picture. So futuristic. Click on it to see just how nuts the church us.

Barcelona (100/10)

2009-05-13T14:21:00.000-07:00

I could write ten pages about how awesome Barcelona is, but I don't want to bum you out, so I'll keep it relatively short and to the point.

So yeah it's super beautiful and incredibly old (seeecreettss) but I guess I missed the Wild On Barcelona because I didn't know just how awesome the night life is. I'm not much of a club guy though so if you want to know about the all night disco scene then read this guys blog.

There's a different bar every ten feet, and on every corner there are atleast 3 guys selling roadies for a buck. The dudes always say "cohashie" after you buy a beer, which at first I thought was thank you. So I'd go "Yeah cohashie" back, then they'd go "Cohashie?" again. This happen for awhile until I figure out "cohashie" wasn't "thank you" it meant something totally different if you said it slowly "Co-Hash-E" .

So basically the entire downtown is one huge bar with little rooms all over the place and each room has its own little fun theme. Like this strange bar.

The concept was that music plays kind of quite in the bar, but when you feel like rocking out you can put on head phones. And you get to request whatever you want to hear with little papers you put in a mail slot in the DJ booth, but you better not pick a faggy song or you'll get your ass kicked. There was also a glam rock bar that was pretty cool.

The all night dollar street beers can definitely get you in a lot of trouble. Just ask this guy

"Sleeping on a pillow made of concreettte ooh yyeeaah"

But you usually just end up at the end of the night lying down on the road feeding a bulldog your falafel. Until the next beer guy comes along.

"One beer and three Cohashies please"

Other Things of Interest

Barcelona is the Milan of dog fashion

It's cool for a dude to "sneak a beat" at the nude beach.

Some place they play hockey or something, who cares.

"I love you Debra, I love you too Jo---"

"Eehehehe, pew pew, eeeeewwwwww KAPLOOWWW, ptcheeeww ptcheww"

Bulldogocilin (10/10)

2009-05-06T02:31:00.000-07:00

When people are depressed I think instead of prescribing Mauzipan or Flydroxozine, doctors should just prescribe you a Bulldog.

"I'm going to prescribe you Bulldogacilin, here you go (Ruf!), walk him two times a day, after meals. Call me in a week"

It would solve all the symptoms of depression, how could you possibly kill yourself after looking at this son of a bitch's mug.

Other symptoms of depression

Inability to leave your house: You'll have to or he'll take a big stinky bulldog shit on your floor

Loneliness: Try and walk a bulldog and not talk to 50 people within the first block

Lack of relationship: A chick will date you for your bulldog.

Lack of appetite: You'll have to snack all the time in order to fight off the desire to eat this cute little fucker up every time you see him. Look at him!

Five seconds after taking this picture Farrely lifted his leg and pissed all over Carson's napsack but we couldn't stay mad at him. Look Carson is even smiling while he cleans up the piss.

The Unsworth (10/10)

2009-05-06T02:24:00.000-07:00

Awhile ago I invented a drink called the Unsworth, double Jager and Coke, if it was made correctly it would have a frothy head on it like a Rootbeer float, delicious. It also made you go crazy. Invented one night at the Dance Cave back when it was called the Makeout Cave, it became my and many others drink of choice.*

That was until the day I got my job at MuchMusic, being epicly broke and basically unemployed for the previous two years I felt it was time for a celebration. So in order to do it right I left my interview, bought a bottle of Jager and chugged it, I got drunk, puked and passed out all in order twenty minutes. It was about 6:00 on a Tuesday.

I have never been able to drink Jager since, last time I tried I instabarfed.

In absence of the Unsworth I've decided to invent a snack version to fill the void of irresponsible combinations of bad and idea.

Unsworth Dip, the most intense flavor overload you'll ever snack on.

Mix one part spinach dip with 3 parts hot salsa.

It looks exactly like barf, and if you eat too much that's probably what you'll end up with, it's the world's first reversible snack. Combine your concoction with a huge plate of over cheesed nachrowaves (microwave nachos) and buckle up for an experience comparable only to seeing your first born.

*There was also the Leonardi, single Yager and Coke, named after my step dad.

Pitchfork's 100 best songs of 2008 (8/10)

2009-05-03T08:32:00.000-07:00

If you get the chance download Pitchfork's 100 best songs of 2008, not only is it a really good playlist of songs, it can give you tons of ammo next time you run into a pretentious music bully.

So when they go

"I'm really into the new No Age album" (flicks bangs, rolls eyes, sips glass of scotch)

you can go

"Yeah that's alright but have you heard Frighten Rabbit?"

Then he'll go

"Yeah I saw them last year at Lee's, such a good show (lights up a clove) you should listen to The Bug you'd love them"

Then you can go

"Meh they're alright, have you heard the new Portishead?"

Then he'll probably say something like

"Oh I had the leaked version like a year ago, it's good but Gang Gang Dance is like that but better" (Spoons caviar onto a tiny cracker)

Five minutes later

"Vivian girls!"

"Anadou and Mariam!"

"Shearwater!"

"Fuck buttons!"

Eventually he'll run out

"Hot Chip!"

"Aruthur Russel!"

"uhhhh, uuhhh, (tears start to form) Hanson? ahh shit."

"Psssff (Eye roll) Wiley, the Mae Shi, Jay Retard, Gold Frapp, peace I'm out (drop clove in scotch, chug, blow fire ball)"

The thing is you don't need to have heard any of those bands, I don't know any of the ones I just named, all you have to do is go, "yeah that's alright but have you heard BLANK?", that's all those music nerds do anyway. They don't even really like music, just like normal bullies don't like fighting and deep down inside they just secretly want a friend.

Friday (5/10)

2009-05-01T18:20:00.001-07:00

When I decided to have a crazy boys night out tonight I didn't realize it would turn out to be me alone watching jerry mcquire. I guess that's how it goes sometimes. You know those people you meet and at first you think they're losers and you don't like them, then you get to know them and they become your best friend for life...cubin gooden JR in this movie is exactly the oppisite of that. As in the guy that you thought was awesome for the first five minutes you knew him then after you knew better, spent the rest of your life thinking how much they sucked. Like Napoleon dynamite, Tom Green or the Blair Witch Project. People couldn't stop talking about him when this movie came out, and then six months later he was in boat trip "they think I'm gay!". Man that guy sucks, I don't even have to mention Radio.

The B's of my BNO just called and are coming over. Its good to know I'm not a CGJ.

Did you know dogs and bees can smell fear?

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

My BB camera (0/10)

2009-05-01T10:36:00.000-07:00

In highschool it used to sell acid then one day the vail broken in its pocket and its been perma fucked even since. It thinks its an orange now*

* My friend (Webby) asked me if this post was just a joke to show that I was super high after seeing the dentist, but I assured him that it made a lot more sense when you saw the video (which originally I tried to post from my BB but didn't work) soon after, coming down from said dentist trip I realized he still had a valid point even with said video attached. Seriously though no effects have been added, my BB camera is scared-fucked 24-7.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Last minute trip to the hammer (1/10)

2009-05-01T07:03:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting on the bus to Hamilton right now, there are two super loud next Tuesdays behind me gabbing about their unappreciating boyfriends. Beside me is what I can only deduce as a time traveler from 1993 because he's wearing a tasseled leather jacket, listening to a huge disc man and for the center piece is holding a spin doctors cd.
I'd tell him the rest of the songs on the album (other than two princes of course) are terrible but I don't know how that would effect the time continium. He's going to have to suffer through "430 (its not late)" like the rest of us had to.

I'm going back to hamilton because last night I almost ate my temporary crown the dentist gave me two days ago. I blame this strictly on the DA that told me to stay away from hard food on that side, though at no point did she tell me to stay away from taffys on that side. Ok I might have been a bit wreckless but have you ever eaten a chewy Werthers OG? You can't eat those with any reserve, I have a hard enough time eating less than three at once.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Vigilante Justice (100/10)

2009-04-30T16:57:00.000-07:00

This is Vigilante Justice, a movie I have been trying to finish for the last two years. I am so stoked it's finally done. It was 5 years ago that Simon came up to me and told me he and his bro were working on a script together. Instead of staying in bed all day fighting off a hang over most Saturday and Sunday mornings Sie and I would wake up and convince any one we could to come out and shoot with us. Editing was a whole other beast.

Anyway its done and I'm pretty damn proud of how it turned out, watch it and see for yourself. Thanks to everybody that helped out in front and behind the camera.

Huge shout out to Mike who was there every time we needed him.

Peace Love Respect.

Skins season 3 (7/10)

2009-04-30T11:16:00.001-07:00

At first I wasn't feeling the new class, well everybody except Effy (heart) but after the first 10 eps I'm right back into it. Every generation can be defined by their respective teen drama, kind like how my generation was a bunch of prudes thank you very much 90210 and how everyone in canada in the 80s were super ugly ala Degrassi. I'm terrified of the generation that grows up with skins and at the same time a bit jealous. Remeber when kelly got that coke problem? Oooohhh, all the kids in skins do coke like its a cup of coffee.

If it had a theme song it would go like this...

"When you wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning you do a bunch lines of coke, then you bang everybody and steal a Mazerati then chug a bottle of pills."

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Southpark

2009-04-29T13:12:00.001-07:00

Anybody see the new southpark episode about kanye being gay? Watch it the end made me laugh my ass off.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Check Please Barcelona Coming Soon (30/10)

2009-04-29T06:45:00.001-07:00

I'm going to Barcelona on Sunday for a week, so that should be pretty F'n awesome. Until then I have about 6000 things I have to do so don't expect any posts until maybe next week, sorry to let you down "guy that reads this blog". I've watched about 1600 movies in the last week or so, here's a turbo review

Adventureland (4/10)

Guy has a summer job, meets a girl, has fun. This movie has been done a thousand times and all of them were better.

Hunger (7/10)

At the risk of sounding insensitive and ignorant....If you're ever looking for inspiration to kill yourself check out this movie. Its a 3 hour film about a bunch of guys that shit in their hands and smear it on the walls of their jail cell. Nothing new I saw it already in Project X. It's actually the closest I've ever been to puking in a movie theatre....If you're going to check it out, stay away from getting chocolate frozen yogurt at the snack bar.

Notorious (8/10)

It's pretty good actually. Better than 8 Mile, better than 50 Cents bowl of Diarrhea* that he repackaged as a film. I think the guy that played Biggie did a better job than Biggie did when he acted in his life.

He's Just Not That Into You (6.5/10)

My personal opinion is that this book was written by the devil and the author should be hiding in cave alongside Salman Rushdie. But the movie... not so bad, I'm a sucker for the Rom Com, so take it with a grain of salt but it definitely could have been worse. Question, who keeps giving Justin Long work? Is his agent an hypnotist or something? The one thing that pisses me off so much about the whole idea behind this book is that girls don't want a guy to be that into them. If a guy followed what this evil book demands he wouldn't have a job, friends or his own place, he'd be living in his mom's basement being super into a girl while she'd be getting banged by some guy with a Prince Albert that doesn't know her name.

*Man my life would be a lot easier if spell check had the word Diarrhea in it's dictionary. It the hardest word to spell ever and do you know how many times I use it on a day to day basis? I used it 6 times on my resume alone.

Fear (-1000000/10)

2009-04-24T08:50:00.000-07:00

I hate having the fear.

Two more albums I've listened to 10 trillion times but I don't have stories for.

2009-04-24T08:37:00.000-07:00

Age: 27

Occupation: Tv Nerd

Quality of life: 5/10

My quality of life at any given time was either awesome or terrible so I averaged it out. I sure miss Team 113 and the crazy antics that went down at our old place on Wolsley.

Age: 25

Occupation: Wedding Video Guy

Quality of Life: 10/10

I worked one day a week for $600, I was allowed to booze and eat as much food as I wanted, and a lot of the weddings were in New York, on those shoots my boss gave me the keys to his Land Rover, it was amazing. I think I might try and get my job back.

Pimped Phone (4/10)

2009-04-23T03:03:00.000-07:00

There was this booth for pimping your phone in the mall, so I got my phone done up in leopard print because it was so ridiculous. But the girl did such a good job that now what I thought was going to be funny and ironic just turned out to be extreme. like a phone you'd buy at Toys R' Us.

Then this morning I walked out of my hotel and saw a dude that did it to his Porsche.

3 Albums I've listened to 10 trillion times.

2009-04-21T12:13:00.000-07:00

Age: 17

Occupation: Computer nerd
Quality of life: 4/10

A lot of you have probably heard this story before, but for the rest...

In highschool I kinda held on to the whole grunge thing a bit too long, while everybody else had moved on to khakis and Hip-Hop I was still wearing cargo shorts and long underwear.

One night in Grade 11 I was walking out of the house on my way to a school dance and my mom goes "Matt honey isn't it a semi-formal" and I replied "No mom, you idiot they just call it that, you can wear what you want jeezz leave me alone!"

So I walk into the dance just as my friends turn around, all wearing khakis, dress shirts and ties, I then go "ahhhh fuck", reverse angle, I'm standing there in docs, cords and.....for the piece de resistance, a poncho.

Record scratch. Deafening laughter.

Things didn't get much better from there, the only thing I can remember is getting a pitty dance from some chick who I'm going to assume thought I was too poor to afford a dress shirt.

I still have no idea what I was thinking, even if it wasn't a semi-formal, going to a dance in a poncho? I guess logic has no place in the brain of a teenager during that awkward purgatory like phase of Manchildness.

This story was lost for years until one day at a party Sie goes "Yo remember that one dance when you showed up in a poncho and desert boots?"

Record Scratch. Deafening Laughter.

Sie just made up the desert boots part for increased burnability but the other article has now gone down in the books of Hamilton lore as the Semi-Formal Poncho, the only formal attire tailored specifically for siestas.

Age: 22

Occupation: Property Tax Assessor
Quality of life: 1/10

It's almost funny now how shitty my life was during this time. All my friends were at school, I got dumped so hard I was a complete shell of a man and I was working across from Jackson Square Mall (basically an insane asylum with stores in it).

For work I had to spend everyday in a car with my partner Eddie who was the slimiest guy I have ever met. If they had an American Idol for date rapists that dude would win it with his eyes closed. He's the kind of guy that Dexter kills.

One day during our lunch break Eddie suggested we go eat and do our paper work at a strip club. So we go to this disgusting place across from Center Mall (Center Mall makes Jackson Square look like Edmonton Mall). So we're sitting there eating our Kraft Diner (the only thing on the menu) and this stripper comes up, sits down and starts talking to us. Eddie takes this as her trying to hit on him (she's a stripper) and asks her out on a date. Things got awkward fast, finally she says "Sorry I don't date costumers" then Eddie got super defensive and was like "Whatever like I'd want to date a dirty skank stripper anyway". He then walked up to another stripper and ordered a lap dance. But the whole time the new stripper was dancing for him he just sat there death staring the stripper that shot him down. I guess he was trying to make her jealous. I remember thinking it was so weird because I was sitting there eating my Mac n' Cheese in a strip club and because it was noon on like a tuesday the lights were on and there was no music, so it was just like sitting in a normal restaurant but in the corner there was an ugly naked chick do a spread eagle on some super angry guy's lap. That was one day out of 150 of the worst, longest days of my life.

Age: 24
Occupation: Chlorine factory worker
Quality of life: 5/10

Me and three of my friends used to live on the second floor of this warehouse (The Loft) the landlord tried to make it into a jazz bar but couldn't get a liquor license. The bar was our kitchen, the stage was our living room and all our bedrooms we're divided off by old window frames, moving palettes and a bunch of other junk we found in our basements.

Living there that summer was probably one of the most memorable times of my life. But what a lot of people don't know is there was a peroid of time before the summer hit that we all hated living there. We had to wear winter coats inside, the windows were boarded up so it was dark even in the daytime and we hadn't built the walls yet so privacy was a bit scarce. Before my 12:00 classes at McMaster I would go work at a chlorine factory from like 5am until 11am. I was the only english speaking person on the line. All the girls kept trying teach me how to Salsa dance, because one of the girls, Bonita liked me and wanted me to take her out spanish style. Every time I'd turn my back they'd grab my waist and try and show me how to move my hips, like Antonio Banderas in Take the Lead.

This is how my day would go, I'd be sitting on a stool at the end of the line, and a buzzer would go off.

"eeeeeeeeehhhhhhh"

Then a conveyor belt full of windex bottles would come flying at me. My job was to screw on the tops. It was so fast you could never quite keep up, it was just a little bit faster than humanly possible, the managers did that so they knew you were going as fast as you could at all times.

"eeeeehhhhhhhh"

screw-screw-screw-screw-screw

screw-AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

3 hours later

AHHHHHHH!-screw-screw

screw-screw-screw-screw-screw

"eeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhh"

After you caught your breath you got a 10 minute break and then went back for another 3 hours. Try watching the Dark Knight and for the entire lenght of the movie make twisting motions with your hands as fast as you possibly can. Then stop for Ten minutes put the movie back in and do it again.

One time while I was twisting up windex bottles, from behind the line I saw a jet of water blast out from the side of a three story tank. It then started to make that bending metal under pressure noise, like at the end of Titanic. All of a sudden someone screamed "Holy shit it's going to blow!" and we all got up and ran for our lives as the tank exploded behind us.

Crashing tidal wave of Chlorine. "AHHHHH! BONITA! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! I LOVE YOU!"

I got paid 8 bucks an hour. I remember the guy that gave me the job acted like he was doing me a favor. Are you kidding me? That's like someone giving you AIDS for your birthday.

I never did take Bonita out on that date, which is probably a good thing. Anybody who has seen me dance would know why.

Sheiks (10/10)*

2009-04-21T00:18:00.001-07:00

A big part of the culture here is based around the royalty, the Sheiks, and the funny thing is people shit their pants in fear of them. Every once in a while a Sheik will come to the trade show to look around and everybody looses their minds. I was setting up this computer and the Sheik was on his way to the booth and the chick running it was like "hurry up hurry up, oh my god oh my god, is it working, it has to be perfect, oh god leave leave leave! the Sheik is coming!" followed by arabian swear words. This is all coming from behind her head to toe burka, and through the eye-slit I could see she was almost crying. hahahaha so much fear.

It's so funny because all he ever does is show up with like 500 people behind him and looks at your booth and nods and continues walking.

Sometimes he'll watch the corporate video you have at your booth and I was thinking I wonder what would happen if you got your own booth and got the Sheik to watch a video but you showed him one of those internet clips meant to scare your friends with, (where its all quite and then its cuts to a screaming demon) and you scared the shit out of him. I wonder if you would get executed for embarrassing him in front of everybody. I'm thinking yes.

*They get a 10/10 because I'm scared of them too

Emirati (1/10)

2009-04-21T00:16:00.001-07:00

I've been doing my homework to learn more about why this place is so weird. And it's actually pretty interesting, before 1970 Dubai looked like this

The original Burj Dubai is that slightly higher hut in the

back with all the sticks poking out of it

Okay maybe it wasn't that bad, but it definitely wasn't like it is today. Then they found a shit load of oil under the ground and overnight these dudes went from goat farmers and Burka tailors to catrillionaires. That's what makes this place so strange, it be like if you gave everybody in Thunder Bay 100 million dollars, think of all the weird shit they'd do,

What would this guy do with 100 million dollars?

There'd be dudes with stretched snowmobiles with hot tubs and tv's attached to them, Soild gold quads, they'd all be wearing super expensive clothes but shitty expensive clothes like Cashmere Saun John jump suits and Von Dutch tuxedos, and they'd make our national sport a hybrid of wrestling and Nascar. Actually that last thing would be pretty awesome. And you'd always hear these stories like, "did you hear His Highness Clayton Gritter III, just paid 3 million dollars for a diamond encrusted beer helmet." Here are some other sites you'd might see in the Untied Thunder Bay Emirates.*

*Sorry to anyone reading this that is actually from Thunder bay, but come on Clayton you know it's true.

So Far (5/10)

2009-04-21T00:11:00.000-07:00

Ben cruising for dudes, you can't see in the picture but he has a yellow bandanna in his back pocket, it seems to be working.

I've been trying to find things to write about for the last two days, but nothing has really happened. Right when I got here I had to work, it ended up being 40 hours straight, I didn't halucinate this time but now my internal clock is so fucked from jet lag and no sleep and being inside a convention center for 3 days I woke up at 2:00am this morning wide awake. It took me a solid 3 minutes to figure out where I was.

I'm going, going, back, back to Abu Dhabi.

2009-04-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

all tuckered out

I returned to the land of Falcon's and Dishdash a few days ago, but I haven't had time to write because my bro has been working me like I'm from Pakistan. That's not racist, all the migrant workers here are from Pakistan, and I'm a 100 percent that if they saw how much I've been working they'd make me an honorary Paki on the spot.

Hopefully I'll get sometime to post some pictures I took over the last few days. Saw three guys all holding hands today in the mall and it made my day, such buds. Also I took down all those posts that said "You know what" about "You know who"

Butter should be a condiment

Also, I went to a pizza place that gives you a little jar of butter for dipping purposes, Holy shit!

Home again (8/10)

2009-04-07T12:26:00.000-07:00

Haven't found the time to write since my trip to California, good trip though, went to a spa in Sanoma like movie stars do and chilled in a mineral water pool that was so dense I could do a full Jesus on top of the water. I'll try and write more later, here's a quick review...

Under rated movies of 2008/09

Heartbreak kid

Yes man

Valkyrie*

I never saw the end because my plane landed, someone please let me know. It stopped right when that dude was about to eat the cyanide pill and then Hitler called

Also I'm going back to Abu Dahbi in a week, so expect more wacky adventures and half my posts being removed before I leave.

GTA China Town Wars for DS (9/10)

2009-04-03T12:58:00.000-07:00

I didn't even know this game existed until I watched the new Southpark. I thought Nintendo only had lame baby games but China Town Wars has swearing and drugs and murder, so awesome. The funniest thing about the game is that you're a part time drug dealer, and while the missions are super fun you can make way more money Hustl'n. So you'll have this big mission where you have to save your buddy Gary from being murder by a bunch of gangsters and on your way there some guy will call you and be like "yo I'm having a big party tonight, can you get me some coke, I'll pay a good price" and you're like "Sorry Gary bro" and turn you're car around to sell the other dude coke. Most of the game is just driving from one part of town to buy heroine and then going to another to sell it for more. Which doesn't sound fun but it is. And if you get busted making a shipment they take all your drugs so sometimes you end up getting chased by five cops with $30,000 of ecstasy in your trunk screaming "fuck fuck fuck, I'm screwed, shit there's a copter I got to loose this heat" and you always end up going down in a blaze of gunfire and Molotov cocktails.

Being a bum (1/10)

2009-03-31T06:23:00.000-07:00

Just sitting in Pearson waiting for my plane to San Fran to go see my mom. I was called a bum by about 5 people this week for beefing it on the updates, I've just been super busy lately. Like so busy you think of the stuff you have to do, and it makes you feel like you're going to puke. Ben, Harrison, Dan, Mike, James, and I shot some stuff for this series of skits Ben and I are trying to do. In the process I absolutely demo'd my place. While shooting Friday and Tuesday, I also had to write this script for this Toronto rock Choir. So for a guy that doesn't have a job stuff has been pretty chaotic.

Trashed green screen after wrap party

Sound stage

awesome art direction

Berlin (20/10)

2009-03-16T07:34:00.000-07:00

Berlin is probably one of the coolest cities I have ever been to, and that’s saying a lot because I’ve been to at least 5. Anyone would agree (or I’ll punch them in the face repeatedly until they do) the best part about Berlin, what makes it so interesting is, to put it politely, its super super fucking old. You look around and see buildings that have been around for hundreds of years, buildings that have gotten the shit kicked out of them by the bombs of two wars and were still like “pphsssff” brushes off building shoulder “is that all you got?”, buildings that they probably don’t even know how to build anymore, buildings that don’t even make any sense.

Why are old buildings especially abandoned ones so fascinating? You look at them and you’re like “Wow think of all the things those walls have seen” it makes you wonder what kind of secrets they hold. They come second only to dogs on my list of stuff I wish could talk. And that’s what is so awesome about Berlin, there are crazy old buildings everywhere. So much shit has happened there, they must find crazy stuff all the time. When you were a kid what was on your list of coolest things ever? If you were like me, Secret passageways (Webster), secret tunnels (Goonies), hidden Doorways (Batman) , bomb shelters (Gleming the Cube) Forts (Monster Squad)! There’s stuff like that everywhere. It makes you feel like you could be in an abandoned building and open some door and find a room full of gold, or like a pile of bones, or like a tank that some one forgot, you know? So many secrets.

BERLIN IN ONE DAY/TOUR CHUG

Anyway so I had one day to see as much of Berlin as I possibly could so I woke up at 9:00am ready to chug culture. And I think I did pretty well. In one day I went to…

Checkpoint Charlie Museum
Topography of Terror Museum
Berlin Wall Memorial
Museum of Film
Legoland
Altes Museum
Berlinger Dome (Sky Dome of Churches)
Temporare Kunsthalle Berlin Art Gallery

CHECKPOINT CHARLIE MUSEUM(6/10)

They had Ghandi's Dairy there for some reason, he was super emo.

Checkpoint Charlie Museum was mostly themed around the wacky ways in which people got over to the other side of the Berlin Wall. They ranged from the obvious, tunnels, to the crazy, driving a car super fast through the barrier and hoping you don’t get shot (which 99% of the time you would), to the ridiculous, homemade planes, submarines and one case where a family flew over it in a homemade air balloon. I don’t know about you but If my dad built an air balloon out of an old barbeque and a bunch of bed sheets duct taped together there is no fucking way I’d get in it, I’d be like “um I’ll just take the car thank you”

BERLIN WALL (4/10)

The Berlin wall was just a wall made of concrete, I mean I understand the historic significance and all the horrible stuff that happened on either side of it, but its just a concrete wall with graffiti on it, I’ve seen one of those before. I don’t know what I was expecting but it was a lot more than that. Like I don’t know maybe let you climb through one of the secret tunnels, how awesome would that be?

BERLIN FILM MUSEUM (8/10)

The Museum of Film was pretty awesome, I really wish I had known of it earlier I could have saved a lot of money, it was basically my entire 4 years of film school in museum form. I may have actually learned more.

ALTE MUSEUM (3/10)

At this point my day was starting to wind down so I basically power walked through the entire exhibit like this “Cool, neat, weird, gay, awesome, what?!, crazy, that’s super old, wow, yikes, eww, no way, beautiful, cool, cool, nice, cool, I’m out”

LEGOLAND (?/10)

My mom never really bought me toys other than legos as a kid, so they kind of have a special little place in my heart. They’re pretty awesome, I’d spend all Saturday afternoon watching cartoons and trying to build lego versions of the toys I’d see in the commercials. So I went to go check out the land of lego, but I soon realized that going by myself in a leather jacket would probably end up with me having my passport flagged as a potential Child predator. This fact became all too clear when the girl at the ticket booth asked me where my kids were I just went “Ahh yeah they’re at the McDonald’s I’ll be right back” and ran away.

THE BERLINGER DOME (10/10)

Secretsssss

This church was by far the coolest part of my tour chug, just look at it, I took so many pictures my camera ran out of batteries.

The secret level was at a maximum, I spent almost two hours exploring. The main room is obviously awesome but there was also a crypt in the basement

“oooowww ghosts… secretssss”

and you could climb up the tower to the dome.

Secret Tower...secretsss

It was so awesome because they just let you explore, you could go wherever you wanted taking pictures, finding secret rooms. Secretsss

TEMPORARE KUNSTHALLE BERLIN ART GALLERY (1/10)

So after the museum marathon I realized I had kind of boned it on the art galleries. It was getting late and things were closing so I frantically ran around looking for an Art gallery. Low and behold I found one, I was stoked, finally my day was complete. So I go in there and buy my ticket, 20 euros, a little steep but whatever it will be filled with art that will inspire me and that’s priceless. So I open the door, walk in, and as its closing behind me I go “aah come on what the fuck!”

I walked into this

The room was completely silent except for the sound of the car engine running, to the right of it there was a cactus, and behind that was a mud hut… that is all, one room, engine, cactus, mud hut 20 euros. Fuck You Simon Starling I want my money back.

CROISSANT-AFIED PREZEL (20/10)

"GRRRR"

Can you think of a more delicious snack? Look at his face, he's pissed, he's huge in Berlin but gets no recognition over seas.

AFTERMATH (0/10)

After my whole wacky Berlin in one day trip I finally got back to my hotel room and had a nap, a nap that lasted 14 hours, I woke up 2 hours late for my flight, then in the confusion left with my cell phone sitting on the bed. Bummer.

My internal clock is so fucked, I fall asleep everyday at 3pm, then wake up at 9pm then fall asleep again at midnight, than wake up at 5am, its like I suffering from two different jetlags at once. I’m constantly super tired and totally awake at any given momment. I think the clock in my brain reset and is now just flashing 12:00’s like I’m a newborn baby.

Cannes ( $100,000 / 10 )

2009-03-10T01:54:00.000-07:00

Cannes in a pretty crazy place, its like if LA, Vancouver and Montreal had a three-way. There are snowy mountain peaks like Vancouver, Palm Trees, beaches and everything’s Hollywood themed like LA, and it’s filled with a bunch of dicks like Montreal. There are actually so many in fact the have their own municipality.

And like LA and Vancouver, everything is a million bucks. Basically if you’re not retardo rich all you can do is eat pizza slices and look into windows at stuff you can't buy. People are yaught rich here so they don’t sweat a $16 hotdog.

I spent more money in 24 hours in Cannes then I do in one week in Toronto, and I didn’t even do anything. I guess its all relative, but imagine if you were a bum? It’s not relative if you have zero dollars. It'd take you all day to bum enough money to buy one tall can of Fax Strong.

At one point I decided to treat myself and went down to the beach to indulge in a delicious ice cold beer. So I went to the bar and some dude had a beer that looked like a Corona, so I just pointed at him and the bartender handed me my 8 euro beer, that’s like 16 dollars. How anyone gets drunk in this place is beyond me. So anyway I grabbed a nice seat on the sand, looked at the water, took a sip of my ice cold beer and Almost barfed everywhere.

When have you ever said, “Man this beer is really good but you know what would take it to the next level? The delicious taste of Tequila” . Now you no longer have to pour your tequila into your beer, because they finally have a drink that comes pre-made. I can’t believe that asshole at the bar before me actually asked for this beer. And to makes things even worse its makes the song Desperado get stuck in your head for the next 3 hours.

They are pretty crafty here though, in order to allow them the ability to spend the entire day drinking wine and smoking cigarettes they have come up with ways of not having to run their stores at all.

Gigantic Vending Machine

Dog Clerk

One thing I can give my thumbs up to though is on my way to the airport I got into my cab and there were two magazines. A gossip rag and a Porno. Of course a French cab is going to have complimentary porno for your reading pleasure.

Oh yeah I also bought this awesome watch.

Cannes (?/10)

2009-03-08T12:35:00.000-07:00

I got into Cannes a few hours ago and I feel more lost and confused than I did when I was in Abu Dhabi. Even the little things like crossing the street are making me flinch. I went out to get something to eat and it took me about 2 hours to find somewhere that made sense, it was a pizzeria. But I couldn't find the front door, the whole front was glass so every one eating was looking at me standing there trying to figure out how to get in. So I panicked and ran away, but realizing I couldn't spend another 2 hours finding a new place to eat without passing out I went back. This time I played it cool and had a smoke while casually watching the pizzeria until someone else walked in and I followed. I felt like a spy..a really really bad spy.

It's all the little shit, like when I got in I didn't know if I should sit down or wait to be seated. So I kind of did this little dance, going back and forth between waiting and grabbing a table.

So I get my pizza, and the waiter puts this fancy olive oil on the table and I start eating. After a bit I see this girl from across the restaurant giggling at me. So I was like "Well they're right about french women, what a saucy minx" then from the corner of my eye I saw her imitating a monkey eating a piece of pizza. That's when I realized I was the only person in the restaurant eating my pizza with my hands. They were all using knives and forks while the caveman that couldn't figure out how to use the door was eating his food with his hands. Five minutes after the waiter saw me eating with my hands he came to my table and took the bottle of fancy olive oil away. I'm sure his thought process was like "This guy is eating with his hands there's no way he's going to know what to do with the olive oil" and you know what, god dammit, I didn't know what to do with the olive oil, do you pour it on top? Do you swig it?

Check please Cannes and Berlin

2009-03-07T16:51:00.000-08:00

Just about to get on the redeye to cannes (I think that's what redeye means). One the way my pakistani cab drivers goes "you want to share a banana?" I paused for a second and then was like "yeah sure". So we drove to the airport sharing our banana and talking about pakistan, it was pretty funny. No I'm waiting in excitment for one of my favorite things to do in the world, watch guiltless airplane movies, the only time u can watch 5 movies in a row and not feel like a wastoid bum. Hopefully ill be able to write often. so look out for updates. Nothing much else to say, Went to 751 last night I'm super hungover, gonna play DS for a bit. I'm sitting beside a grandpa who's listening to paperplanes on his laptop, way to go MIA you've done it!
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

New Rating System

2009-03-02T11:17:00.000-08:00

So I thought I would mix things up and change the rating system at Check Please for a bit. It’s a rating system that has held up through the years, one that when I was 13 I thought, "Wow this is a clear, visual and easy to understand rating system, everything should be rated this way". What I am referring to is of course the "Hustler Magazine porn review" rating system.

In case you want to pretend you weren’t 13 at one point and didn't read that mud covered Hustler you and your friends found in the woods that day, it basically goes like this…

It's a simple three tier system, a movie will either get a boner, a half-steamer or a limp dick. See what I mean? So visual, so clear. I tried to get the actual cartoon boners they use in the magazine but I gave up after googling “Hustler magazine boner porn review” and saw 2,000,000,000,000,000,000 pages found. So I just drew my own, can you tell?

THE ROAD

I just finished this book and the whole time I was reading it I thought about what a great movie it would make. I have a feeling after "No Country for Old Men" this treatment wasn't that hard of a sell. The few stills they have released look amazing, almost exactly how I pictured things in my head. And when this movie comes out I suggest to men everywhere to take a girl with you when you see it. Burly bad-ass Viggo Mortensen defending his son in a post apocalyptic waste land. Half way through the movie you’ll look over and she’ll be sitting on the armrest.

MOON

From the trailer this movie looks awesome and every review I've read so far has backed that up. The things that make me excited about it are; Sam Rockwell (one of the most underrated actors in Hollywood), it looks artsy (artsy sci-fi movies are the best, Sunshine, sans the monster... movie-boner) and for the icing, it's co-starring Kaya Scodelario, the extremely naughty and bonerific Effy from Skins

WATCHMEN

I'm getting really tired of the nerd hype around this movie, it's going to be the same as a 300. Nerds are going to talk about every little tiny detail of the movie's development, wait in line for five days in their superhero costumes, watch the movie and then come out whinnying that the production studio raped the original idea. When are they going to learn that Hollywood doesn't give a shit what nerds think?

Question, am I supposed to be scared of the blue naked guy living in his glass gear house? Because I think he looks kinda gay.

Going vacation (10/10)

2009-02-18T03:30:00.000-08:00

I'm going away to Dominican republic for the week, I don't think they have invented the internet there yet so looks like I'm going to have to take a week off from blogging. Be back soon with story's of boob flashes and raw jocks doing fireballs in their hotel room. SPRING BREAK!

Stuff to Check Out (10/10)

2009-02-11T08:36:00.000-08:00

I took down the last post because it just wasn't as funny as I thought it was last night at 3:00am when I posted it. That and a bunch of people wrote being like "What is wrong with you?" hahaha. Man I hate dropping bombmos

Anyway moving on, unemployment has allowed me a lot more time to watch, listen and taste the lastest stuff. Way more than all you people with jobs. While you're hitting refesh on your facebook home page, and checking out weird shit in the causal encounters section on craigslist, I'm at home in bed looking at a tray of snacks with every flavor of the rainbow gradually progressing from salty to sweet to sour, watching whatever movie lands in my bit torrents unwatched listed, bryan wilson style.

Because of this, I have decided to start a new column in check please where every friday I list some stuff I watched that I think you should check out. At first I was writing one pagers on everything I was going to suggests. Than I read it over, came to terms with my inner film-fag and deleted them. I think there is only one way to review a film, tell some one to watch it or to not watch it. Anything else effects their expectations and changes their experience.

Aronofky - Marisa Tormei's 40 y/o boobs - Mickey Rourke crying

Guy Ritchie - same as all his other movies, which is good cause I like all his other movies.

Italian City of God meets Traffic (if Traffic was a good movie)

Sun-Maid Oatmeal Cookies

I crushed the entire box in 24 hours, it's the prefect mix of salty and sweet, chewy and crunchy. Cookie Art

Things back to normal (3/10)

2009-02-10T16:04:00.000-08:00

Since I have been back I've been struggling to find things to write about. Turns out it's a lot harder when there's not a hilarious culture to make fun of. Telling Stephen Harper to fuck off is just not as funny. Mostly due to the fact that I'm not at risk of having my hands cut off and then caturized in boiling oil. That's what they do in Abu Dah-- god dammit I'm doing it again, I got nothing. Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid you complete me.

Hopefully my unemployed antics, funemployed antics, will be entertaining enough to keep this blog funny. Lately I've been committing most of my time to synthesizing peanut butter noodles. For those of you unaware with Peanut Butter Noodles, they are these noods they sell on the streets of Montreal after the bar, the most delicious thing you will ever eat, basically its like eating heroine.

The ignorant concede that it is just egg noodles and melted peanut butter. That would be like saying the CERN particle accelerator is just a bunch of wires with magnets glued to them.

The following is my sceintific journal on progress so far.

Experiments in peanut butter noodle synthesizing

Volume 1, Number 1, Febuary 2, 2009

Experiment #1

Egg noodles with melted peanut butter on top

Result

Though close in flavor, the consistency did not match. Way too thick, and upon cooling turns into a huge peanut butter ball with noodles sticking out, almost inedible.

Experiment #2

Egg noodles, melted peanut butter, water

Result

Everything was looking good until the water was poured into the peanut butter melting pot. A curious chemical reaction occurred, peanut butter quickly transformed into strange Play-doh like consistency, smelled terrible, experiment abandoned prematurely.

Experiment #3

Egg noodles, melted peanut butter, vegetable oil

Theorizing that peanut butter must be oil based an attempt to thin consistency with vegetable oil was tested. Separation occurred, solution again illusive. Added bacon bits, consumed for scientific testing. Symptoms included sweating, abdominal pain, shortness of breath. Scientific testing abandoned

If any one has any suggestions on how I can solve the Consistency Matrix please comment, and don't send me the recipes they have on the internet because that shit isn't any good, they are throwing chicken and onions in there.

WACK

I'm only interseted in the pure uncut 100% montreal peanut butter noods.

Flight Home (3/10)

2009-02-05T10:14:00.000-08:00

Two funny things about my flight home.

First, I was just sitting in the Dubai airport waiting for my flight and in the corner of my eye I saw this pakistani woman's arm covered in beads of sweat. Then she turned around and she was soaked in sweat, she had a stream of sweat running down her chin on to her chest as if there was an invisible shower-head pouring on to her from above. It was like that time in Lost where Walt appears in the woods as a vision and he has all that water pouring down him.

I looked around for someone else to notice but nobody was there. I've never been so mad to not have my camera on me. I think she had some new desease like in Outbreak when that guy gets bitten by the monkey he's trying to smuggle into america. So if they are looking for patient zero after the world is over run by that desease that turns people into rabid zombies, they should start at my flights passenger list.

The second, at my stop-over in Frankfurt I went into this smoking-chamber/shame-chamber, and I saw this sign inside.

You're not allowed to smoke two smokes at once!! Do movers really fly that much?

Burj Dubai

2009-02-05T09:58:00.000-08:00

Words can't explain how fucked this building is, it's so huge you're not like, "cool" or "wow, what a wonderful example of engineering" you're like "Buildings shouldn't be that tall". It's so big it looks evil, like it couldn't be built with out the use of some form of black magic. I bet if you went to the top where they're building the last few floors you'd see trolls and goblins carrying construction equipment and a black wizard would be shooting lightning bolts from his hands controlling them all. If Dubia was a video game that for sure would be where the end boss would live.

Butt sprayer (3/10)

2009-02-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

I don't know about this thing. I've been giving it a stare down since the first day I got here. After about three weeks I gave it a shot, it resulted in not only a wet butt but soaked pants, soaked shoes, soaked shirt and soaked floor. Its so confusing to me how you use it correctly, try and spray your butt with your shower head without geting it all over the place. I always wondered why faced with hose and TP the dudes out here chose the hose. But I think its kind of one of those stick verse automatic things, like once you get the hang of it you never go back. When walking down the stall isle all you hear is..

psssshhh, slap, slap, slap, slap, pssshhh, slap, slap, slap, flush

instead of

psssshhhhh, "aahhh what the fuck there's water everywhere!", psssshhh "ahhh I got some in my mouth!!"

Abu Dahbi Fashion (11/10)

2009-02-05T09:43:00.001-08:00

I know London and Paris are the hubs of fashion, but I'm sure there are a lot of other places around the world that have things to offer. Like for instance Abu Dhabi the things they are doing with mens fashion is incredibly inventive, take Ahmed here with his off-white, seamless, astro-turf, sweater vest. Expect to see it on runways around the world.

The Love (100/10)

2009-02-01T02:10:00.000-08:00

Thanks everybody for all your comments, emails and messages. Double thanks to Cody and Gordy for the shout outs they posted on their blogs. No thanks to Borna who made me take down my post about the ruler. I'll put it back up when I get over the border. So for now, you guys are cool and all but not as cool as my best bud Khalifa Bin Zayed Nahyan, love you bro, lets hold hands some time.

Wednesday/Friendsday night (?/10)

2009-02-01T01:46:00.000-08:00

Borna (The guy that tricked me into thinking I was being deported) felt bad about the whole thing so he brought my bro and I out with him. Within the first 10 minutes I heard three champagne bottles popped. I was sitting around looking at the following (wearing sunglasses of course)

Bottle of Grey Goose
3 bottles of champagne
Six unopened beers
Tray of tequila
Tray of zambooka
Tray of mysterious blue shot
Carafe of red
Carafe of White

There was like 8 of us. Not being very used to partying at this level of debauchery, I decided to hit it buffet style.

Matt's stomach "Seriously bro?"

All I remember is partying with this guy that turned out to be a prince of some where, we decided when we got back we were going to go on a road trip together driving a beater from Toronto to the tip of South America. I got home just in time to yell barf into my bidet.

"AHHHHH, WHY'S IT BLUE?! AHHHHHHHH!"

The next morning I woke just in time to yell barf again. Then I went through my camera to figure out what happened the night before and only found this. At the time I remember thinking I had the best blog to accompany this picture. I have absolutely no idea what that was

St. Clair's Place (11/10)

2009-02-01T01:27:00.000-08:00

Went back down to Party in Dubai this weekend, stayed at my good ol’ buddy St. Clair’s Place.

St. Clair Goatse'ing a chicken...chickense

I don’t know what kind of ponzi scheme he’s running but his place is absolutely nuts, It's on this man-made island thing shaped like a palm so that every house has beach front property.

It’s pretty gnarly, and only $20,000 a month. The best part is, that you can do this in his backyard...

Address Shmadress (6/10)

2009-01-28T04:30:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a friend out here and she said they don’t have an address. They just don’t do that out here, all your mail goes to a P.O. Box, and as far as ordering pizza or telling a friend how to get to your house…

”Okay get off at Khalifa Bin Zayed Nahyan’s street, drive until you see a Baskin Robins, take a left, once you see a temple that looks like two pointy boners take a right, and at the third set of Falcon sculptures take a left”.

Being Buds (10/10)

2009-01-28T04:23:00.000-08:00

I was driving with my bro the other day and saw two dudes holding hands and was like “woh gay arabs..gayrabs” and he goes “Nah those guys aren’t gay” and I was like “What do you mean?” and he goes “Dudes hold hands here, they’re just being buddies” and I was like “Wait (holding in laughter) what? Get the fuck out of here” And he was like “Yeah they’re just buds, going for a walk, holding hands, that’s what they do”. And it’s totally true I've seen it a bunch of times since then. I’ve been laughing about it for the last three days. Just holding hands being buddies.

Mo Money Mo DishDashs (5/10)

2009-01-28T04:08:00.001-08:00

A big status symbol in UAE are license plates, the lower your number is the more “OG” you are. This guy pictured above bought #1 for fourteen million dollars, not kidding. #1 is pretty tough but wouldn't a $14,000,000 hover Ferrari with laser beam headlights that you can steer with your mind be a lot cooler, or like a battleship with monster truck wheels? Its all about bigger, faster, more expensive, so much money, so little imagination, what a waste.

They all have to take a note from this guy Hamad, he decided to buy a land dredger and commit his time and energy to digging out his name so you can see it from space. It’s 1.4 miles long on some random island off the coast. Nobody knew he was doing it until someone spotted it on google maps. The government called him and told him to stop and he was like “okay, I’ll stop I promise”. Then like two months later google refreshed it’s images and they saw the dude just kept on going. Pretty clean lines, earth tattoo... earthtoo.

Falcons (9/10)

2009-01-27T07:34:00.001-08:00

Dudes out here love their falcons example A, me with a falcon on my arm inside a building shaped as a falcon.

"Do we got a problem, cause if we do me you and Falkie can step outside and figure it out...didn't think so"

I can't blame them falcons are pretty bad ass, no one is going to mess with you if you have one of these killers on your shoulder. They have this Airline here called Emirates Air that lets you take your falcon on the flight. The funniest part is that there are two rules, 1) you gotta buy your falcon a seat and 2) He needs a passport. Seriously they have actual passports with their picture on them and everything.

"Passport, Citizenship?"
"RRRAAK!"
"How long will you be staying in America?"
"RRRAAAK!"

Imagine how much fun you could have with your own personal trained falcon, "Hey Falkie here's five bucks go grab me a hot dog from that street vendor on Bathurst, extra mustard" "RRRAAAAK!" "You're the best Falkie" "rraak raaaak" and then he just flies out your window with five bucks in his foot.

Work (1/10)

2009-01-27T06:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to write in the last couple of days because of work...sucks...Well work and the fact that I got speechlessly drunk on the weekend, the Dubai weekend is Friday and Saturday, so Mondays are actually Sunday and Thursday is Friday. Anyway the weekend gave me the fear so badly all I could do was hide under my blankets in my hotel room, yelling/crying "Leave me alone" everytime the cleaning lady knocked on my door. Expect updates Tuesday, which is actually Wednesday here, I already have a bunch of stuff written I just need a connection faster than 2400bps to upload the pics.

"Connecting to internet...Meeeee oooooo owoooowooooo"

Borna + Models (3.5/10)

2009-01-21T05:31:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting in my hotel room by myself watching Survivor Man, eating a Big Mac and this guy Borna from work calls me. I knew it was him right away because he's got this funny accent, I don't know where he's from but he sounds like a cross between Tony Montana and Christopher Walken.

"Matt what dew fak did you do men?"

"What are you talking about"

"De facken immigration just called me looking for you and someshit men"

"Fuck off"

"No man I'm not Kedding, they all pissed off, they want to bring you in for questioning"

"You're full of shit, what do you really want, I'm super busy right now"

"Fuck Matt, I'm not bullshiting I wish I was, you gotta call the embassy bro! You work for the press or someshit?"

"No dude shut up"

"You got some fucking blob or someshit, you better have not been making fun of their religion, they don't fuck around with that shit out here men"

"Hahaha, good one, yeah okay you got me, I'm scared, ooohhh they're coming for me."

"Stop fucking around men! Seriously bro, call the American embassy and tell them you've been asked to go in for questioning to the Shambia police station, I'll be at your hotel in 30 minutes"

After about 15 mintues of this going back and forth I'm finally like "Fine I still don't believe you but I'll call, if you're bullshitting I'm going to be super pissed"

If by the one in one trillion chance he wasn't bullshitting me I thought I probably should call them just in case, I mean if I ended up in a dark cement cellar where nobody knew where I was for 30 years, I'd be pretty pissed I didn't make that call. My hotel was billed under the company and he's in charge of that stuff so there was a small possibility he would be called in that situation. So I called up the American embassy, was redirected to their emergency help line and talked an agent, he goes

"Shit another one eh? This happens all the time"

"Uhh what? No man I have this tiny blog that like 6 people read there is no way they would bother with that"

"Yeah man supposedly they screen pretty everything that goes from here to overseas domains"

"No way, are they going to cut my hands off?"

"Well I can't do anything unless you're detained, so give us a call back if that happens good luck"

A seed of doubt appeared in my head, I remembered this one thing I read about how South Park was going to make an episode that had Allah in it, and they were told by the studio its the only thing in the world they can't make fun of, they were at risk of being killed. So I was maybe a little worried. I called Borna Back

"Yeah so the guy said to call him back if I get detained"

"He said call him back if you get detained..pssftt pssfttt bahahahaha I'm just bullshitting you men!"

then everybody in the room with him "Bahahahahaha!"

Motherfucker, the worst part about this is... So this dude (pictured above) is out to dinner with the models (also pictured above) probably eating 3lb steaks, sipping Patron on ice and wearing sunglasses (which you can do if you're sipping Patron and sitting in a booth filled with models) and he goes "Hey lets fuck with that Matt guy, he's probably sitting in his room eating a big mac all by himself, hahahaha" Truffle crumbs flying out of his mouth "hehehehe" that's the models laughing. "Lets fuck him up or someshit men hahaha my life is awesome!" "hehehehehe"

So he makes me get out of bed, turn off Survivor Man, put on clothes, put on my contacts and then call the American embasy emergency help line. What a dick. and you know what the even worst part was, at the end of the conversation he goes "Yeah men, I'm just eating dinner with the models down the street, later boddy" No invite to join. I was standing there dressed with my passport in my hand like "What the fuck just happened"

McArabia (7.5/10)

2009-01-21T04:06:00.000-08:00

These things are pretty tasty they should bring them to North America and call them "Chicken Slamers" or "Pita bangers" because I'm not sure McArabia would do so as well overseas. Two nicely seasoned patties of chicken (Beef available as well), with tomatoes, and lettuce all covered in a delicious mystery sauce, "delystery sauce". A serious contender to the new "Snack Wrappers". Check please.

Breaking News From Abu Dhabi

2009-01-20T23:03:00.000-08:00

Not sure if you know how the government works here in arabia but all demands are made from the king who sits day and night behind a huge beautifully designed arabian carpet. He's been back there for the last 80 years. This morning at 9:00 am that carpet fell from its supports and revealed this gigantic robot and the skeleton of the king sitting beside it. When they walked in the robot was still designating orders "Build more buildings" "Commence praying at O six hundred hours" "Praise Allah". Crazy eh? You probably haven't heard about it yet because you're all the way in North America, but it's all over the news here.

More sleep bakedness (0/10)

2009-01-20T00:51:00.002-08:00

This is what I saw

My sleepiness caused a super awkward moment between me and a bunch of the guys I work with/for. I think they think I'm crazy now. We're driving down the road at like 5:00am and I go "Woh cool" and one of the guys goes "Whet my freind?" and I go "That huge shopping cart sculpture we just drove by" and he goes "Whet? There is no sculpture on det street my friend, no no I drive by here everyday for work, are you okay my friend?" and to that I answered "woh" in the same fashion Keanu does when he finds out he's been living in the matrix his whole life.

Being baked off sleep (3/10)

2009-01-20T00:51:00.001-08:00

This guy didn't want me to take his picture so I had to do a drive by

Why do weird things have to always happen to you when you're super high, I was going for a smoke and I notice this 108LB 4'8 security guy following me (he's assigned to child security). Anyway he follows me until I turn around and go "What do you want" and he goes "Is thet bottled whata?" So I go "Um yeah what do you think it is booze? It's like 9:30 in the morning?!" he put his hand out and I handed him the bottle, thinking he's going to sniff it. He then takes the bottle, chugs it, throws it into the garbage and goes "Thenks Men" and walks away. I should have been like "What the fuck dude!" but instead because of my level of bakedness I was just like "woh did that just happen" I didn't say anything to the guy I just turned around and kept walking. I guess he was just a bully.

Floating Magnet Thingy(11/10)*

2009-01-20T00:48:00.000-08:00

*At the time I thought this was the most amazing thing I've ever seen, now that I've gotten some sleep I'm only mildly amused by it.

So yesterday while I was super baked off sleep depravation I walked by a booth with this magnet bar thing. I thought it was just going to be a super strong magnet that was hard to pick up. Being up for the challenge I went to lift it and... you know when you try and pick up a strong magnet, its like super hard but once you break the force it lets go super fast and you kind of fall back a bit. Well this wasn't like that at all, it was like it was stuck to the table with taffy. And the coolest part was if you dropped it, it would float down like a hover board. If the video ends up working check it out.

Anyway I was playing with it, picking it up, making it do tricks, totally blown away mostly because I was so fucked up and then some German guy from the booth goes "Das man likea the magnobar yes?" and they all laughed at me. I then realized I had been standing there for like 25 minutes playing with it without noticing, and saying "woh" "cool" and "so weird" out loud to myself the whole time. Needless to say I bowed my head when I walked past their booth today.

Bed (1000000/10)

2009-01-19T06:57:00.000-08:00

Just worked 38 hours straight, I feel like a mover, started to hallucinate, not kidding. Saw the most amazingly thing of my life at the trade show thing I was working at, will write about it tomorrow.

Yesterday (-1000/5) Abu Fucku

2009-01-17T23:37:00.000-08:00

Man yesterday sucked, first I got pick-pocketed, see all that money in my badass gangsta picture above, well that got stolen some how from my pocket when I went to the gas station to buy some "Bored Snacks". I walked to the store bought food, got home..no money. So either I just dropped it or some sneak sneaked it from my pocket. Maybe you can use some of that money to research how to install pipes under the sidewalk.

Next I got home and wanted to play with my DS but the batteries were dead so I tried to cram the plug into the weird wall socket. After a few sparks and dimming of over-head lights my DS went black. No Animal Crossing for me.

Then I drank a "Budweiser Non-alcoholic Malt Beverage" to review what Bud had to offer in the NA category. It tasted like the alcohol was replaced with that taste you get when you barf and there's nothing in your stomach.

LIl' Wayne (10/5)

2009-01-17T22:03:00.000-08:00

I know it makes me a huge white dweeb to say it but Lil' Wayne is one of the most interesting and hilarious musicals in the world. If you get a chance read the article about him in GQ this month (The one with Jennifer Anniston on the cover) its so funny how nuts he is. His creative process for writing songs is smoking a box of doobies and drinking like 7 cups of his "pink stuff" which is 4 parts cough medicine and 1 part water with ice in it. Then he just plays a beat over and over again and makes stuff up on the spot. At one point they ask him what his ideal world would be and he only has two rules, no stupid people and the ability to marry multiple wives. Here's a bit of the article but if you get a chance read the whole thing its so good.

Lil' Wayne Interview GQ - ft. Terry Richardson

Internet Porn in Abu Dabai (0/5)

2009-01-15T03:59:00.000-08:00

(Googled boobs)

I thought it was a myth that you couldn't get porn on the internet when in weird, lame, places like UAE or China... I was wrong. My question is, how do they go through every picture on the internet and judge if it's porn on not? I went through like ten pages on google images, not once did I even see a nip-slip or wet T-shirt. Is there a guy that sits in a room and goes "boobs, no boobs, boobs, no boobs" all day? Can I have that job?

Pulpy C "With Jelly and Juice!" (2/5)

2009-01-15T03:48:00.000-08:00

Delicious juice with the added thirst quenching qualities of Jelly. It tasted like a glass of pear juice carbonated with jelly globs.

3D Television (10/5)

2009-01-15T03:27:00.000-08:00

Nothing to see here, just a 3D television, no big deal, the whole worlds been waiting for one since they invent the 2D television, one more "D" same dif. This thing was just sitting in the corner of the mall with no sign or explanation how it traveled here from the year 2030. Seriously that Iphone looked like it was floating in front of my face I almost tried to pick it up. No glasses necessary just shit flying straight for your grill. Why doesn't this TV think it's a big deal, did it used to be 2D and doesn't yet understand how awesome it is, like when a chick is fat her whole life and all a sudden gets skinny.

Chicken Big Mac (4/5)

2009-01-15T03:12:00.000-08:00

Yep you heard that right, Chicken Fucking Big Mac. Chicken seasoned deliciously, high level of Crushability, left feeling like a satisfied fat ass/kinda thought I was going to puke for a bit. No Mac Sauce though, just straight Mayo which makes me have to go all Carry Bradshaw and ask "Can a sandwich be called a Mac if it doesn't have any Mac sauce?"

Building or Arabian Death Star? You decide

2009-01-13T21:18:00.000-08:00

Prayer Room - Dubai Airport

2009-01-13T21:14:00.000-08:00

4/5 - Pure genius

This room is sneakily placed right before you get to costums. Clearly there are mics all over that room listening for "Please god don't let them find the 2 lbs of heroine I have stashed in my butt hole"

Arab Apprentice (5/5)

2009-01-13T21:09:00.000-08:00

"Your team sold the least sambousek at your moutabel stand on the side of the highway, you're fired big time boddy!"