Swanson, you my only friend (8/10)

Look at that little brown fucker, teasing us with his moist curves

I think TV Dinners have a bad rap, Swanson's dinners are amazing, I'm eating one right now as I type this. They taste awesome and it kind of makes you feel like your a kid again eating dinner your mom made- Mhhh that's dam good corn, I cooked it perfectly this time gotta remember 4:35 is the magic number. I usually go for the chicken fingers, fries, corn and a brownie. Which just so happens to be the best brownie in the world, it'd be worth the $2.50 just to take out the brownie eat it and chuck the rest in the garbage. The nuggets need a little salt, there we go, mmhhh, that's the stuff. There are a few down sides though...

Nothing makes you feel more like a loser than buying one of these at the grocery store. Everybody in line is extra nice to you because they feel so bad for your loneliness and general failure when it comes to life. The same rules apply when buying playboys, condoms or anything else embarrassing, always get a bunch of other stuff to diffuse the attention away from your shame item. Nothing looks more pathetic than a guy standing at the register as his single TV Dinner travels down the conveyor belt. As luck would have it too, its always sandwiched between two happy couples week supply of groceries as they kiss and hug and talk about what the are going to cook when they get home. I always feel the urge to say to the clerk "Look I have a girlfriend really, I'm just lazy and hungry and I really like the brownie".


The package looks like Munch's The Scream I wonder if they did that on purpose.

The worst is this one time when I just moved to Toronto, I was crazy broke and I went to the super market and bought a single Swanson's handed it over to the clerk with my head down in front of a bunch of happy families. Then I paid for it with my debit card and it was declined. It was such a pathetic moment I think the girl at the register almost started crying out of pure sympathy.

It truly is the meal of...fuck this brownie is good, it never fails...the societal rejects. Swanson's should really start to focus on who their costumers are. If they did they wouldn't put a happy family on the back of the box that just bums us depressed losers out even more than we already are. What they should have is a single confident person eating the diner with a huge smile of their face as they watch Grey's Anatomy and a little thought bubble over their head that reads "I chose to live like this because I like myself and am completely confident with my life right now". And on the back they would have single ads of other Swanson's costumers in your area... I don't want this brownie to end...And another section with bright, happy horoscopes that give people some hope and a reason to get out of bed the next day.

Holy shit they make breakfast now!

I guess I could eat Hungry Mans, they are a little more tough but they taste like shit, there is a reason the only thing they advertise on the box is how much it weighs. 2 KG OF PURE FOOD! GET HUNGRY RAAAAWWW! It tastes like if you put cafeteria food in toilet water for two days, soggy shit.

Oh the other downside of Swanson's is if you read the box its basically just different shapes and colors of corn. Its like "Corn fed chicken battered in cornmeal, simulated corntatoe fries fried in corn oil, corn syrup and corn starch brownie, with a side of corn." 16,000 percent of your recommended corn intake.

"You hear about Dougie? He OC'd last night, doctor said he BCL was 4.3. He shat a log of pure corn then dropped dead"

And one final thought. I wonder if they did autopsies on suicide victims how many half digested Swanson Dinners they'd find, I bet it'd be a lot.

I just wrote 1200 words about a Swanson's Dinner, wow I really need to get my shit together.

Can U Fly Bobby (10/10)

Me and my buddy Dan are starting another blog.  I'm going to try to write for both Check Please and CUFB. The whole idea behind the new site, is we are trying to start a blog that is just a bunch of people writing what they want to write, all on one blog.  We think it might be more interesting to read everyday than a blog with just one perspective on concept.

Anyway were want more people to write for it, so if you're interested send me an email  matt.unsworth@gmail.com.  If you have your own blog already and want to just repost on CUFB you can do that.  Or if you want to be a lazy fat ass, and do nothing you can do that too.

Check it out - CANUFLYBOBBY.COM

Week in review (4/10)

3 Musketeers Mint flavour (7/10)

After my first bite I realized this chocolate bar was designed for women. I chewed, swallowed and then looked at it like a monkey looking at a cell phone, confused. What is this thing for? First of all, dark chocolate? One day a super shitty and bored scientist in going to discover the gene in female DNA that enjoys dark chocolate and hopefully eradicate it like Parkinson’s disease.

It tastes like concentrated dirt. Maybe it's an evolutionary thing, like the women that could handle eating their kids dark chocolate and black jelly beans had one tiny advantage over the mean moms that didn't and some how grew to dominate the gene pool.

The mint goo on the other hand is quite refreshing and made we wonder if I wrote a nice letter to either Chevy Chase, Martin Short or Steve Martin they'd send me a tub of it so I could scoop it out like ice-cream.

Also on the package it says "Now with 30 percent less fat" another indicator that it is designed for women, because for me and I'm hoping the rest of the population that likes to call themselves men, 30% merely translates to 30% less good. You might as well eat something that is 100% fat and just not eat the last bite, at least you'd enjoy that 70%, rather than eat 100% of dirt wrapped around goo that could be 30% more delicious.

Windows 7 / Snow Leopard (bad/good)

Question... Why are nerds getting technoboners for Windows 7? Its exactly the same as Vista or XP. All it seems they ever do in new Windows editions is make the windows themselves look cooler, everything has basically been the same since Windows 3.0.

"Does it do anything cooler or faster than the last 10 versions?"

Bill gates "Not really except when you click on a icon the window flies at you and does a bunch of flips and stuff, pretty cool eh?"

"not really... it just crashed"

Snow Leopard on the other hand is actually faster, even on older macs, when has Windows ever been able to say that? I just put it on my MacBook, and it feels like I have a whole new computer, and it was only $36 at Best buy.

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (9/10)

Cloudy with 100% chance of hilarity, honesty this is one the best movies of the year.

P90x (5/10)

Seeing how I spend 90% of my time either sitting at a computer desk or lying in bed eating bowls of popcorn and M&M's I'm starting to get a little worried that I'm going to wake up one day and see Arnold schwarzenegger…..from Junior, staring back at me in the mirror. Like I'm going to get that really unhealthy fat where my arms and legs are super skinny but I have a gut like I'm wearing a Halloween costume. Like those guys that have to sit the waist of their pants above their belly button or they'll just fall down.

I don't like gym's because if you want to work out for 20 minutes, with all the travel time and getting dressed, showered etc. it turns into 2 hours. Between work, making ceiling TVs, technofrankensteining, and backwards engineering peanut butter noodles I just don't have the time.

So I downloaded P90X, how it works, by what I've gathered from watching the intro movie, is you work out for 90 minutes everyday for 90 days. And then you turn into a juiced-up super hero that has the ability to turn girls panties into solid lead. You walk down the street and all you hear is, clang clang clang. At least that’s what the guy in the video told me.  Also I was told about 15 times in 20 minutes that I was awesome, that felt good.

I am being honest with myself though and have made my own version, P45R. I'm going to go halfzees on it 45 minutes every other day. Which will be pushing it already. Did the Ab burner yesterday and I can already see a sick 8 pack trying to break through the space bag.  Clang clang clang.

Update: Already gave up.  

Flash Forward (2/10)

Time from Lost got his own spinoff show. I thought this was going to be amazing, but all they ever do is remind you of what they all saw during their flash forward into the future, over and over again.

I got it, you've already told me 300 times, Kumar is going to die, that chick from Lost is going to be a home wrecker, and Jim from Huckleberry Fin is going to be taking a dump.

It's a good concept it just doesn't have legs. You know the seasons finale is going to end like this.

"There we fixed the problem, no more time warping, and it's amazing that no matter what we did to avoid it, everything we saw ended up happening, well I'm glad that’s all packed up in a nice little pack-" whole world passes out again, cue dramatic bass drum hit, black, credits.

Fat guy watching (mouthful of snacks) "Wooohh... no way!"

Why doesn't anybody in "avoid your destiny" shows and movies ever follow the "Just hiding in a fucking closet that day" rule?

Check Please (2/10)

When did this blog turn into a fat nerd's diary.